On Friday, I have to go to the dentist. Friday is going to suck, because the dentist sucks. The thing is, I actually don’t mind getting my teeth cleaned. What I do mind, is that while my mouth is wide open and being cranked on by the hygienist, I have to engage in small talk. For whatever reason, every hygienist I’ve ever had, has thought it was a good idea to ask about my life story while they have their fingers shoved into my mouth.

Every time I go, it’s the same situation. My mouth is gaped open and filling up with saliva. My eyes are nearly watering from jaw soreness. My teeth are being scraped on and my mind is elsewhere, trying to focus on anything but the excavation site that is my mouth. If there was ever a time when talking was not really an option, it’s now.

Yet, as always,

“So, what school do you go to?”

The hygienist says this without ceasing her assault on my mouth.

Me: Aaaaagghghhg.

Her: Oh okay, my niece goes there! What classes are you taking?

Me: Aghghh, ghhh, hhnnnggg, uhhh, euuhhahhh, ahhh hnnggahh.

Her: What was that?

Me: Aghghh, ghhh, hhnnnggg, uhhh, euuhhahhh, ahhh hnnggahh.

Her as she finally takes her hands out of my mouth: You know, that’s really great. You’re going to learn so much! What are you planning on doing after college?

Me: Well, I have—

She then shoves her hands back into my mouth, listening intently.

Me again: Ahhhggg ghhhdggh hnnnggg.

Her: That’s awesome! Sounds like you are following your dreams! What sports are you interested in?

This silly exchange continues throughout the appointment until she is done with my teeth and I am finally put out of my misery. As she cleans up and we schedule my next appointment, I always want to ask her: So, how does your niece like Aaaaagghghhg University? Or: Do you know any hnnggahh tutors?

But, I hold my tongue. One of these days, I will get the courage to mess with her. Maybe I will do it once I graduate and become a practicing Ghhhdggh hnnnggg.

128 thoughts on “Dental Conversations”

  7. Haha, I can definitely relate on this matter! It’s like you didn’t go there to chit chat while your mouths being pried open… It’s like you’re vulnerable and it can be annoying… But that’s only my opinion, 😂.

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  9. somehow I think they seem to understand our strangled gurgles .. I had mine out and would recommend it to everyone … saves so much time, money and pain 🙂
    love your humour in this!

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  10. Just like how reading a doctor’s handwriting is difficult, I’m guessing dentists understand the ‘aagggrrrggg’ language 😁 Or maybe the dentist was training you to become a ventriloquist 😉

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  12. I’ve gone to the same dentist and hygienist for years. I have become friendly with the latter over the years and we carry on a conversation and I don’t know how we do it. I am looking forward to my visit next week so that I can hear about her daughter’s wedding in March. As I write this I think what an odd friendship it is to have, meeting a person only in the dental chair as they work on your teeth, nowhere else, no coffee visits, etc., But there it is.

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  20. Ha ha ha. This was awesome. One of the last times I was in a dentist’s waiting room they had the radio playing and I that was where I heard the song “Can’t feel my face” for the first time. I couldn’t stop laughing. It was just too perfect.

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  23. This is a perfect representation of everyone’s small talk at the dentist. I’ll tell you WHY they do it. I used to be a dental assistant and for some odd reason dentists think people like it 🙄 Every time the dentist walks by your room, you better be talking to your patient. (Dentist are weird)

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    1. Lol! I just got done with my appointment and this time while mumbling I had to hold back laughter as well since I kept thinking about what I wrote here! 😂

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  33. Lol, I have the EXACT same problem. Although, since I have a Monday through Friday, 8-5 job, and really don’t like having to take time off work (especially during my first year here, as I haven’t accrued paid leave yet), I FINALLY found a dentist that is open on Saturdays, so I’m switching to them, just for convenience’ sake. It’ll be interesting to see if this new dentist office does this when I go in next Saturday. We shall see. 😉

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  34. I know a whole lot about my hygienist, who carries on a lovely monologue for 45 minutes. I’ve even taken my dogs over to meet her once (pets are a great source of discussion during scrapings). -Oscar

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  38. An additional problem while ‘talking’ during dental cleaning is choking on your own saliva that you desperately hope someone would notice and suck out for you! One could even try recording some of the expected responses and carrying the tape recorder to the next appointment.

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  41. “What I do mind, is that while my mouth is wide open and being cranked on by the hygienist, I have to engage in small talk.” — Relatable.

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  46. I almost spit my drink all over my key board when I read this. I think we have similar feelings about the dentist. Thanks for the laugh (but not for the pain in my nose from trying to keep the drink in my mouth.)

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  49. I dread going to the dentist or doctor. I’m usually able to schedule appointments pretty early before going to work, but I’m not too fond of the forced, awkward conversations that more often than not, present themselves as opportunities for the dentist/doctor/nurse/assistant to flaunt the achievements of children in their mid-twenties. I usually glare instead of answering to “Are you in school right now?”

    Thanks for visiting and following my blog. So glad I have your snark to brighten my day.

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