Now, I know most children are innocent, pure, and uncorrupted, unlike the rest of us, but let’s just be honest here for a second.

Some of those little bastards are as rotten as milk left in the sun.

I mean, some of them might as well have chest hair, a beer in their hand, and a cigarette in their mouth. The amount of hostility and calculation they can display at such a young age is extremely alarming. For example, the concept of blackmail is not something I would expect a small child to understand, let alone execute with optimum effectiveness. Yet, there I was the other day at the store, watching it unfold before my eyes.

Two little kids, who I assumed were brothers, were on the same aisle I was on. Their mom was at the end of it on the phone with somebody. They couldn’t have been much older than kindergartners.

One of the brothers looks to make sure his mom isn’t going to interfere with his master plan before turning to his brother and telling him to open one of the chip bags. The other brother refuses. The first brother, let’s just call him Turdsniff McGee, goes on to explain how the store allows free samples of the food so you can see if you want to buy it or not.

I forget about the Pringles I’m examining and start paying closer attention to Turdsniff, curious as to where he’s going with this. (Yeah, I could’ve told them not to do it but what would be the fun in that?)

So, the other brother is apparently persuaded pretty easily, which is pretty in line with normal kid behavior, unlike his brother, and tears open a Lay’s bag and starts munching.

Turdsniff McGee immediately points and goes, “Ooooh, you’re stealingggg!”

A look of fear comes across the other brother’s face as he realizes he has been deceived. Meanwhile, the mom is still way down at the other end of the aisle, talking on the phone, and hasn’t even looked to see if her kids are still around. It’s starting to make sense now why Turdsniff is such a P.O.S.

I’m not even holding the Pringles anymore, I’m just watching intently, thinking in my head: Oooooooh, you’re in troubleeee.

Turdsniff cracks a smile, knowing he’s got the checkmate. He doesn’t even care that I’m watching. The other brother is nearing tears as he stuffs the bag back onto the shelf.

“Please don’t tell mom!” he pleads.

Turdsniff smiles even brighter now.

“I won’t tell mom if you give me all the money in your piggy bank.”

The other brother is crushed, you can see it in his little miniature body language. He’s been defeated.

“Fine,” he pouts.

Damn, I think. This little Turdsniff is one smooth operator.

Then, like some kind of untouchable mob boss who’s got the whole city on his payroll, he looks at me and says,

“You know they let you try samples here?”

79 thoughts on “Free Samples

  1. Haha, when I was a kid, I would sneak in extra packets of chocolates in the trolley and my mum would wonder at the ‘growth’😁😁 I never ate them before buying them though.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Loved this! I listen to my grandkids. One is 6 the other is coming on three. The six year old knows exactly how to manipulate her brother. And BOTH now exactly how to manipulate the parents. When I babysit at night they go to bed and stay in bed. I don’t buy into the game they have this pain or that spot to get attention and an excuse to get up.

    Mum and Dad returns home. NExt morning.

    Mummy,… daddy… when we tell grandma we have a pain she just says ‘never mind’ go back to bed it will get better when you sleep.

    They pull the same trick with M and D and out comes the Doliprane / Calpol and they get a spoonful of medicine and cuddles. sigh…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This ends in one of three ways, the second brother becomes immune to his brother’s treachery, he succumbs to it himself or he is the victim of it forever. Either way I sympathize with him, my sister was also a cunning handful.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Thank you for enjoying my blog. I wrote about a teen who rarely goes to school and plays around a lot. His parents don’t discipline as parents should and this kid is planning to do something worse. Now, that’s a fake story but it reflects a lot of kids. And some are so mean at such an early time you’d think they were born that way in real life. One main problem goes to the parents who let some of their kids get away with murder. Take care.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you. I love children, but too many including parents aren’t looking out for their best interest. We all suffer on account. Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Love it. Once, my youngest managed to smuggle a Beastie Boys cassette tape on his person while I was pushing him around Asda in his buggy. I was MORTIFIED when I found it at home. Surprisingly, no alarms went off but I’m glad or I would have been jumped on by store detectives lol. I’ve never let him forget it ha ha.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Fun! I don’t know how or why children get the adjectives innocent and pure modifying their names. I pulled some nasty stunts on my younger sister — just because I was older and smarter. It’s a wonder she even talks to me… Good writing!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. LMAO! “Some of those little bastards are as rotten as the milk I accidentally drank the other day. (It was chunky.)” I laughed really loud at that. I love your humor mixed with reality. Definitely looking forward to more.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. This is hilarious and oh so heart breaking at the same time. It is sad when little heart’s trust is so cruelly broken like that.
    I have often wondered why anyone would say kids are innocent…are they paying attention??? 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Just checked it out! Awesome stuff. 😂 I will have to make a mental note to keep reading all of your writing! I’m following a lot of blogs so sometimes I forget to check certain ones! Keep the laughs coming! 👍🏼

        Liked by 1 person

  9. God, I can’t recall the last time a blog post made me laugh this much! Amazing work, man. I love your blog; its wonderful content wise and so aesthetically pleasing too! Kudos! Followed x

    Liked by 3 people

  10. You are the funniest writer that I have seen on WordPress so far. The scenarios that you create are so relatable for everyone that reads them. I had to look up P.O.S. and I was glad I did, because that made me smile. I never really knew that many kids, I had nephews when I was growing up, but I did not pay much attention to them, as I was only interested in my own life. After I retired, I started working as a substitute teacher and most of the students I work with are great, but Middle School students are usually a challenge. People say that there are no bad students, that there are only students that make bad choices, however I must disagree. Some students are downright evil, as I had many of them throw stuff at me when my back was turned to them. God bless all the Middle School teachers!

    Liked by 1 person

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