Old people are my favorite.  In general, I have nothing but respect for them and the fact that they grew up in a world so different and in many ways so much more difficult than the one we live in today.  We can all learn a lot from the elderly. Plus, they fart in public with zero shame which is fantastic.

But, old people are not safe or immune from my literary and (hopefully) humorous observational attacks. So, here is my one burning question for society regarding the elderly.

Why, oh, why do we let them drive???

There is an awesome episode of South Park that deals with this subject but I’ve been nearly run off the road and killed by an old person way too many times to not bring this up. Have you ever got stuck behind a car going 35 mph on the freeway? Old person. Have you ever been cut off so ignorantly that you had to swerve into the next lane while watching your life’s montage as it flashed before you? Old person. Have you ever furiously sat still behind a car at a right turn that has a half-mile long merge lane? Old person. Have you ever been sitting at a red light and watched a car casually drive right past you across the busy intersection? Old person. Oh, and they 100 percent of the time never notice or acknowledge any of their wrong doings on the road. A dinosaur could be chasing an old person’s car and they’d just be putt-putting along at 28 mph without a care in the world.

I believe that different states have different laws regarding old people driving and renewing their licenses. I think some give certain tests or check their eyes or whatever. Well, I want to know what exactly the tests that the elderly are given entail. Do they simply check their pulses? Ask them if they are aware that the sky is blue? Do they just make sure that Grandpa McDustyBalls’ eyes are open? I mean jeez, dude. We’re at the point where you see a car driving on the opposite side of the road and you just think oh there goes Old Lady Wrinkle Tits heading to the grocery store.

There’s no way these tests to renew your license are up to par. There’s just no way. I may be sounding kind of brutal so I’ll extend an olive branch here and admit that I think basically everyone is a shitty driver. But, old people have a separate section for themselves on my highway shit list. I mean dude, I don’t want to get taken out by some old grandpa who sends me off a cliff and is so oblivious he never even notices my truck flying through the air and exploding into flames over the sound of his own fart. That can’t be my legacy. Alright, I’m being over dramatic but you get it.

To all the elderly people out there, no hard feelings. Please don’t kill me vehicularly.


41 thoughts on “How’s My Driving?

      1. To be honest, he wouldn’t listen even if we told him he should stop! But thankfully he’s okay… so far!!!!
        He’s ferried us around the UK over the years and know the roads like the back of his hands…
        But he’s careful. Even he knows that with age, certain things start to deteriorate. Initially, he’d think nothing of driving a 6-7 hour round trip to pick me up in the morning and take me back home for a visit, but now he knows he can’t do that, and speeding.. a no no, he’s got his own cruise control internally set… but not that annoying snail in the middle lane kinda driver who refuses to move lol!
        I shall pass on your message! 😀

        Liked by 2 people

  1. ohmygod. One time I was driving through Oregon and stopped to gas up on the outskirts of Portland. Went to get back on the F R E E W A Y (you know, the road everyone drives 80-in-a-60?) and at the top of the on ramp was a blue-hair sitting still with her blinker on as if to signal her intent to the traffic. Um. Gramma…. that’s not how on ramp freeway merges work! Almost got ran over/crushed by a semi-truck, not even joking. god. Couldn’t get through that city fast enough. 🙄

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I really appreciate that. And I can’t say I’ve really written anything emotional. I have written suspense, action, and horror. I like horror/suspense almost as much as I like comedy.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Same here!!
        I love suspense and horror. But i usually tend to write emotional poems, well…..i am more of a nature poet. I cant write comedy, but i think i have some sense of humour !

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Your writing is so relatable on so many levels… My grandmother is one of those who shouldn’t be on the road. It’s hard to stop her from driving because she passed those state checks; all they do is check the eyes but at a certain age, they require a written test at the very least… that age hasn’t yet arrived for my dear dear gran. For now, if we leave together from the same place in separate cars for any reason, I make damn sure I go first. We live in the country so there aren’t many cars on the road unless you head into town, but even as a follower my gran takes driving to the next subpar level. I love her dearly, so what gets me through the treacherous wilds of suburban driving amidst the elderly is imagining my sweet sweet gran just trying to make it home with her newly acquired yarns and thrift store trinkets.

    Happy driving, and thanks for the chuckles!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! That’s funny/honorable that you can admit your own Grandma is a bad driver haha! And hilarious you have to imagine her with her yarns 😂😂 thank you for reading!!!


  3. Oh karma is going to get you big on this one! (She types while laughing) I used to think the same thing, but as old age gets nearer, I am revisiting those thoughts. Imagine being old and unable to get places – nightmare! I’m less intolerant of old folks now.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Haha. This is hilarious! I know a friend whose grandpa is colourblind. It doesn’t stop him from driving and he hasn’t crashed yet!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Good laugh for so early in the morning! So true in most cases. But, there are still some of us “older” drivers that are good drivers. Keep the good chuckles coming!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hey I’m old but I’m a great driver… I think it’s everybody else that are useless drivers! I go fast when needs be and slow if for example I’m driving along country lanes: simply to try and avoid killing birds that fly out in front of me… I hate killing birds. Seems nobody apart from me gives a shit!

    Liked by 2 people

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