How’s My Driving?

Old people are my favorite.  In general, I have nothing but respect for them and the fact that they grew up in a world so different and in many ways so much more difficult than the one we live in today.  We can all learn a lot from the elderly. Plus, they fart in public with zero shame which is fantastic.

But, old people are not safe or immune from my literary and (hopefully) humorous observational attacks. So, here is my one burning question for society regarding the elderly.

Why, oh, why do we let them drive???

There is an awesome episode of South Park that deals with this subject but I’ve been nearly run off the road and killed by an old person way too many times to not bring this up. Have you ever got stuck behind a car going 35 mph on the freeway? Old person. Have you ever been cut off so ignorantly that you had to swerve into the next lane while watching your life’s montage as it flashed before you? Old person. Have you ever furiously sat still behind a car at a right turn that has a half-mile long merge lane? Old person. Have you ever been sitting at a red light and watched a car casually drive right past you across the busy intersection? Old person. Oh, and they 100 percent of the time never notice or acknowledge any of their wrong doings on the road. A dinosaur could be chasing an old person’s car and they’d just be putt-putting along at 28 mph without a care in the world.

I believe that different states have different laws regarding old people driving and renewing their licenses. I think some give certain tests or check their eyes or whatever. Well, I want to know what exactly the tests that the elderly are given entail. Do they simply check their pulses? Ask them if they are aware that the sky is blue? Do they just make sure that Grandpa McDustyBalls’ eyes are open? I mean jeez, dude. We’re at the point where you see a car driving on the opposite side of the road and you just think oh there goes Old Lady Wrinkle Tits heading to the grocery store.

There’s no way these tests to renew your license are up to par. There’s just no way. I may be sounding kind of brutal so I’ll extend an olive branch here and admit that I think basically everyone is a shitty driver. But, old people have a separate section for themselves on my highway shit list. I mean dude, I don’t want to get taken out by some old grandpa who sends me off a cliff and is so oblivious he never even notices my truck flying through the air and exploding into flames over the sound of his own fart. That can’t be my legacy. Alright, I’m being over dramatic but you get it.

To all the elderly people out there, no hard feelings. Please don’t kill me vehicularly.

 

Road Ragin’

The road is quite an interesting place, as we all know. It is truly a wonder that most of the people driving were actually granted a license. Actually, it’s pretty terrifying.

I like to think I am a pretty reasonable driver. I’ve had my moments, but I am mostly aware and at least somewhat respectful of human life on the road, which is more than I can say for most drivers. I’ve had a lot of run-ins with ass clowns though, so here’s a quick story about one of them.

I was driving along, minding my own business, and obeying the speed limit. Suddenly, a car speeds up behind me and gets right on my ass. I double check that I’m going the speed limit and I am. The car is still on my ass but I keep the road rage in check and just merge over into the next lane. The car speeds up but stops once it is even with me. I look over and what is staring back at me is the most angry old lady I have ever seen. Like, heart attack angry. Like, demon-straight-out-of-Satan’-s-butthole angry.

This lady is staring into my soul and chopping it into tiny little pieces with her eye daggers. I’m confused as can be now and am looking around to check if I could’ve ran someone over or if I unknowingly have a bumper sticker on my car that says “QVC sucks”.

She shakes her fist at me and I give her the “You might as well be an 8-legged unicorn with a cowboy hat on cause I’m confused as shit” face. She motions for me to roll my window down and I oblige. She waits for the window to fully lower and for me to stick my head out in inquiry before she proceeds to enthusiastically flip me off.

Completely owned.

Who’s grandma was this?

I’m starting to feel my anger boil now. I attempt to ignore it and just stare ahead at the road. I glance into my rear-view mirror and can now see grandma is hot on my tail once again. She is still flipping me off and I can see her screaming now. I’ve had enough at this point and I begin to break check her. Before anyone tries to call me a dickhead for break checking a grandma, 1) She is the one who is a dickhead. And 2) You’re also a dickhead.

As I continue to lightly break check her, (yes, I wasn’t trying to kill her – time will be taking care of that soon) she snaps into an animalistic rage. I see her punching the ceiling of her car excitedly like some kind of strung out 80’s movie bully chasing down their nerd prey. For some reason this is when I notice her mullet. She looks like Kiefer Sutherland in The Lost Boys. She pulls out a cell phone and begins taking pictures of my license plate. Yes, this grandma was now texting and driving. After a few moments she looks at her phone with a satisfied smile and gives me a sarcastic thumbs up as if she finally acquired the incriminating evidence she needed. She then merges into the next lane and stares me down one last time before making a gun with her hand and pretending to cap me. (She’s obviously seen Gran Torino) She then kicks her Nissan Altima into high gear and shoots off into the sunset like Han Solo reaching light speed.

I quickly catch a sticker on the back of Grandma Satan’s car before she vanishes, and oh what a sticker it was.

“Coexist”.

8-Year-Old Man

When you were a little kid, did you ever just wish you could get behind the wheel of a car and drive to wherever you wanted to go? Did you long to be able to take off, not needing your parent’s approval or permission, and head down to your favorite toy store or Fast-food restaurant? I’m sure all of us felt that way at some point in our childhoods. But of course, we could never make that far off dream a reality, as we all would have to wait many years to finally be able to drive a vehicle. All of us except one 8-year-old boy from Ohio.

According to a news article I recently read, this 8-year-old boy I’m referring to, drove his dad’s car over a mile to the nearest McDonald’s to get his sister some food. How did he learn to drive you ask?

YouTube, of course. Where else?

Apparently, after his sister informed him that she was hungry, he took to YouTube and searched up a video on how to drive. Cause, what else would an 8-year-old do? Be a normal 8-year-old and ignore his sister, crap his pants, then continue to watch cartoons? Nah, not this kid. After watching the video, he and his sister hopped into dad’s car and took off. Witnesses say he obeyed all traffic laws, successfully made a few turns, and drove the speed limit. What else would you expect from this badass mofo of a kid? The police eventually got involved, but not after the 8-year-old savage and his sister finished their cheeseburgers. The Most Interesting Kid in the World then told the cops he learned to drive from YouTube before flicking his cigarette at them and hopping back into the vehicle and burning out. (Okay, I made up the part about the cigarette and burning out, but that’s the version of the story I’m going to believe.)

First of all, this kid is 100 percent growing up to be Chuck Norris. If I wanted food at 8-years-old, I would probably beg for mommy to make me some, and if she didn’t, then I would cry and look for skittles in the couch. What grade is an 8-year-old in? I think it’s 3rd. Dude, in 3rd grade my mom was still dressing me and combing my hair. I was completely useless. This little guy is operating vehicles and using the Internet extremely effectively. He’s even selflessly providing for his sister. When I was that age, the only time I ever interacted with my sister was to call her a poopface. (I’m beginning to look like quite the little douchebag.)

This kid is the type who could be abandoned in the forest, and within a few days, be leading a pack of wolves. He’d gain their respect by defeating a bear in hand-to-hand combat using Jiu Jitsu that he learned from a YouTube video. I mean, really, what are the chances this kid doesn’t grow up to be a Navy SEAL? Sure, he disobeyed his parents, but when you’re a go-getter to that degree at such an early age, your future is pretty bright. And most likely includes you growing up to be James Bond or Indiana Jones.

Then again, maybe he’ll just grow up to be a driving instructor.