Today I was sitting in my room studying when a knock on the door interrupted my half-assed attempt of acquiring knowledge. I answered it, and on the porch stood what I can only describe as the human form of crack-cocaine. This man looked like he had just crawled out of the New-York sewer system to restock on bath salts.
I skeptically asked him who he was, and after a moment of hesitation he says,
“I’m here to take some shit out of your garage?”
Yes, he said this in the form of a question. I didn’t know if this guy was asking me if I had anything he could take off my hands, or if he was asking me for my permission to rob me.
I close the door a little bit and say, “Huh?”
He looks confused and says,” I guess my boss wants me to take some shit out of your garage.”
So, now we are both just staring at each other, apparently equally confused. I decide that before shutting the door, I’ll give him one more chance. I ask him if he was sent by our landlord.
He responds with, “No.”
So, now I just tell him I don’t need anything taken out of the garage and start to wish him good luck on his next crack adventure when he says, “I talked to some dude who lives here, this is his number.”
Amazingly, it’s actually my roommates phone number. Completely astonished, I figure either my roommate has picked up a bad habit, or this guy is actually supposed to be here. Since my roommate is a pretty smart dude, and a work truck was actually visible in the street, I open up the garage.
The guy asks me what I need taken out and I legitimately have no clue. No one told me about this so I’m completely useless. There is a lot of crap in the garage and I just moved in a month ago so none of it’s mine.
He tells me, “I have no idea why I’m here, my boss just gave me this address. To be honest, I have three broken fingers in my neck.”
Yo, what the shit. So many questions. His boss just gave him an address with no further instructions? And he just went on over to the address and figured there must be shit in the garage? And he has broken fingers in his neck? Who put the broken fingers there? A unicorn? I’m thinking something was for sure broken above his shoulders but it wasn’t in his neck.
So, I tell him to call his “boss” (yeah, I had to tell him) and he does. The phone is on speaker and his boss seems normal. He tells Crack McGee to face the garage door from the inside and the stuff to his left is what he’s supposed to take. Seems to make sense as there is a bunch of shit piled in the corner. The guy mumbles something incomprehensible to his boss then hangs up. He then walks over to the RIGHT side of the garage, looks around and says, “I don’t know what the hell he’s talking about, there’s no shit over here.”
Realizing he isn’t joking, I gently explain to him that he was on the wrong side of the garage. He says, “Nah man, he said facing the garage from the inside, to the left.”
I can’t believe this is how my day is unfolding. I’m about to teach a grown man left from right.
But, before I can do so, the man has a moment of enlightenment when he sees the pile of stuff on the other side and shouts, “Well, THIS must be what he’s talking about! My boss can be such an idiot sometimes. You’ll see what I mean when you’re old enough to get a job.”
I’m 22.
I have no further words or feelings for this exchange. Moving on.
The next thing this guy does is fix our broken disposal. Long story short, when he pulls the disgusting broken fork tangled in hair and slime that was causing the blockage out of the pipes, he walks down the hall and into my room with it. I look up from my computer and he says, “Well, here was the problem,” and tries to hand it to me. I jump away from him in fear, telling him throw it away. He shrugs and walks off, leaving me in a variation of the fetal position up against the wall.
When he’s finally done and ready to leave, he tells me again how bad his fingers in his neck are bothering him, and then proceeds to stumble off and say, “Have a good night, man.”
It was 11:00 a.m.
Drugs are bad.
wow…….
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Right…
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Wow what a story! You are very patient man, God bless you! Lol
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lol I guess the fact of how funny it was to experience helped with my patience! Thanks for reading god bless!
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Hey! You really have a talent for this. VERY funny! Thanks 🙂
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Thanks so much! And thanks for reading!!!
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I love your blog! It always makes me lol!
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Thanks so much!
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No words….
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😂😂
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LOL. Thank you for the laugh. 😂😂 I hope this guy accidentally stumbles into rehab some day.
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Of course! And LOL hopefully, maybe they can teach him his rights and lefts! Thanks for reading!
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Haha …love random people. As long as they don’t kill you.
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lol exactly! He was a nutcase but he was entertaining for sure!
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I read this on my way home from class today, but I was sort of certain I was misreading it. I wasn’t.
I read “fingers in his neck” 6 times because I was totally certain it didn’t say that. I’m amazed.
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Lol was a nut he was!!
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This cracked me up. Pun intended. Great job.
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Hahahahah 😂 awesome. Thanks for reading!
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I LOVE how you can take something that happened in your day and make it entertaining. Do you write for a living? If not, you should. 🙂
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Wow thank you so much I’m humbled and glad you enjoy it! And to your question, I don’t write for a living, but it is my dream to one day do it! I want to be a television screenwriter!
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Do it. You certainly have the talent for it. 🙂
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I will, thanks for the awesome words! 😄😄👍🏼
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My mom is always entering in screen play competitions and things of that sort! im not sure of any coming up but certainly check it out!
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That’s awesome! I’m working on two scripts as of right now, I will definitely have check out some of the competitions out there. Thanks and good luck to your mom! 👍🏼
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Enjoyed your story 🙂
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Glad to hear it! Thanks for reading!
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I loved this! I feel many people have been in this sort of situation before or have met someone like this. As you said, drugs are bad! (To some at least lol)
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Hey thanks man! And totally, there are a lot of characters out there! I appreciate you reading an yes, drugs are bad! 😂
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Literally made me LOL and honestly gave me a little much needed motivation to stop procrastinating and get my study on! lol here i am, no crack head at my door and im still not focused.. where is my excuse even??
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That’s awesome to hear it gave you motivation lol! I maybe all everyone needs is a crack head at their door? 😂😂 thanks for reading!!
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Disturbing and comical at the same time – appreciate that you can find the humour in it.
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Totally disturbing lol! Thanks for reading and I’m happy to translate the experience into something that’s funny! 👍🏼
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Great story! It kept my attention from beginning to end! Thanks for sharing! I write screenplays too! That is awesome! I hope your dream comes true!
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Great to hear! That’s awesome that you write screenplays!! Best of luck to both of us lol!
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Loved this one 🙂
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Awesome to hear! 👍🏼
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Wow! Just wow! He needs Jesus. Hey, we all need Jesus.
Think about it.
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You’re right about that! Q
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Im still really curious about the fingers in the neck haha
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Me too lol. I can’t really think of anything that sounds similar that he could’ve been meaning to say 😂
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This may be the question of the age.
(What I mean: this is driving me crazy. What did he mean?)
Possibilities:
1. He’s a mutant and can regrow fingers. He bites off and swallows his fingers when they break.
2. They’re not his fingers. When he has too much trouble with a squeamish client who won’t look at the hair covered fork, he sneaks under his client’s bed and waits…
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I’ve asked myself many questions about it as well lol! And oh geez… guess I gotta check under my bed now….
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🤣
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You actually make me lol. Love your humor!
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Glad to hear it! Thanks so much for reading!
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fingers in his neck…..fingers in…. no I just don’t know how to interpret crack head. Either that or something was distinctly lacking in my anatomy classes at Uni. Oh, oh, he could have a fetus-in-fetu hiding under his hair! (think voldemort under Quirrells turban).
Great bit of writing whatever the strange man meant, certainly made me chuckle.
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LOL! Great story but I’m sorry you had to go through it.
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Lol thanks! And as long as others can laugh at it I’m cool with it! Appreciate you reading!
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I LOVED this. I made me laugh. Very cleverly written.
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Awesome to hear! Glad I could provide some entertainment, thanks for reading!
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Hi. Some people are so strange that it’s best to leave along, but at least things didn’t get any worse. Take care.
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🤣 LMAO! Fingers in his neck…hahaha… You have the funniest stories!
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LOL! I’m glad you enjoy them! Thanks so much for reading!!
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Great story! Funny!
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Thanks so much! Glad you liked it and appreciate you reading!
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Just loved it
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Thank you so much!!
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So fucking bizarre. LOL
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Right?!? Haha
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You can’t make shit like this up and if you do, I want your imagination and also – drugs are bad legit 🤣
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It’s a combo of truth and imagination… I’ll let you decide which is which lol! I’m glad you enjoy the stories! 😁
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The last one killed me man, i love your stuff
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Thanks so much for reading! Glad you like it!
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Laughing out loud in my room! You’re awesome!
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Haha wow that’s great to hear!! Thanks so much, you are awesome for taking the time to read my stuff!!
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