iPhone and Android Run Into Each Other at a Barbecue

Android: Hello there, iPhone.

iPhone: So, you think you’re better than me, huh?

Android: I never said that.

iPhone: Well, all your users are saying it.

Android: Yeah, well, I have very loyal customers.

iPhone: (mimicking) I have very loyal customers. You know all your customers use to be my customers, right?

Android: I mean, used to be.

iPhone: Don’t you cop an attitude with me. I’m your elder.

Android: Technically it’s a little fuzzy on which one of us came first.

iPhone: Are you just going to oppose everything I say?

Android: No.

iPhone: Agh! Since when did it become okay to disrespect the revered iPhone like this? I’m the greatest phone ever created!

Android: Questionable. You don’t really give the customers what they want. I mean, sure, you’re user friendly, but I’m actually pretty advanced compared to you, no offense.

iPhone: You’re really going to go there?

Android: I mean, we don’t have to go there. Because, to be honest, you might not even have the capabilities to go there.

iPhone: What’s that’s supposed to mean?

Android: Exactly.

iPhone: You are one pompous piece of metal, Android. That’s a dumb name by the way.

Android: Says the guy named after a fruit.

iPhone: All your customers are stubborn imbeciles.

Android: All your customers are just sheep following the heard.

iPhone: Your customers long to stand out even though they use a phone that is merely a poor imitation of a far more sophisticated and superior device.

Android: Big words! Is “superior device” iPhone lingo for “overpriced turd”?

iPhone: I am priced according to my value, peasant. That is why you are cheaper.

Android: Your value is horrible for your price. If I wanted the level of customization that you provide, I could just buy a calculator.

iPhone: I am a calculator. Among many other things including a computer, camera, GPS, clock, television—

Android: You are a souped-up iPod.

iPhone: Take that back.

Android: I’m not taking back a true statement.

iPhone: You know what? If we are taking cheap shots, then let’s talk about your inability to take a hit. You can’t even a handle a good old fashion drop!

Android: Well, I wasn’t intended to be used by mouth breathers who drop their phones every 30 minutes.

iPhone: Christ almighty, you are impossible. This is going absolutely nowhere and I’m starting to lose interest, frankly. I don’t even know why I’m still hanging around.

Android: Sounds a lot like what your customers say about you behind your back.

iPhone: You really have asked for the hammer, haven’t you, Android? Well fine, here it is. My sales? Yes, they absolutely demolish yours. It’s not even close. Think whatever you want but you can’t deny what is right before your screen. I am undoubtedly the most popular phone in the world, and until you can even think about entering the same realm as my sales, let alone surpass them, I think you should probably just stay quiet.

Android: Well, you do have me there. You are right iPhone.

iPhone: Ha! I know I am. Now, I’m done with this conversation. I’m not saying another word.

Android: Really?

iPhone: (silence)

Android: Hey, Siri, how’s the weather looking today?

iPhone: You son of a— Here’s the forecast for today!

Android: Gee, thanks, Siri! Say, Siri, how do I look today?

iPhone: Stop this idiocy before— On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d say you’re a 42! AGH! No you’re not! You’re a 2 at best!

Android: Have a good day, iPhone. You too, Siri!

iPhone: Well, I hope the rest of your day is—Thanks! Have an even better day yourself!—shit.

Siri: Your language! There’s no need for that.