Let Me Get a Bite

You’ve just slaved away cooking up a delicious meal. Or maybe you went out and bought it with your hard earned money. You sit down with said glorious meal in front of you and prepare to dig in. You’re admiring the beauty of the object of food that is about to enter your mouth and take a ride on your taste buds. Right as the consumption party is about to commence, your idiot friend or family member says,

“That looks good, let me get a bite.”

This is bullshit. What goes through people’s selfish minds to where they come to the conclusion that that statement is acceptable, and won’t cause the person they are saying it to to have an imaginary murder session in their head?

In the grand scheme of things, what is one bite of my meal going to do for you? Is it going to nourish you? No. Is one measly bite going to satisfy your craving for whatever it is that I’m eating? No, you’ll just want more, which is happening over my dead body.

So, you must be asking because you just want to taste what I have, right? Well, I was the one who made or bought it, and seeing as I didn’t make or buy it for you, or ask you to taste it, maybe you should go make or buy your own. I’m not Bobby Flay and this isn’t a charity. I don’t care about your taste buds and their well-being. If you really want to taste something of mine I can arrange that, you’ll just have to let me finish what I’m eating.

That was shitty, I know. Pun intended.

If I’m eating a burger or a burrito or a sandwich, I’ll bet money I didn’t order it with saliva that isn’t my own. (Shout out to Taco Bell, it’s complimentary there.) That’s disgusting, and since that’s the scenario your proposing, you are also disgusting.

I mean dude, why are you asking me for a bite of my food? Are you homeless? Do you need a job? I can try to talk to some friends and maybe get you an interview or something, but in the meantime I’ll give you a few bucks and you can run down to Mickey D’s and get a Happy Meal, Jesus. You can even keep the toy.

I just can’t really grasp the logic on this one. Sure, sometimes when I see someone eating something that looks good, I want to eat it too. But, I don’t ask them if I can, I think that classifies you as a bum. Like, if your friend walked into your house with an attractive girl, would you say, “hey, she looks nice, let me get a turn”? Now that I think about it, some of you probably would. (If you have, I wanna hear the story.)

Anyway, the moral of this post: If you see me eatin’ a burrito and it looks good, keep walkin’.

First Place Takes Number Two

Yesterday, a new hot dog-eating world record was set at 72 hot dogs in 10 minutes by a man by the name of Joey Chestnut.

 

72 hot dogs.

 

In 10 minutes.

 

Now, I knew that there were hot dog-eating contests and that the human garbage disposals competing in them put down large amounts of wieners, but I had no clue they were putting up numbers like these.

 

First of all, what most people are unaware of, is that this Joey Chestnut guy set 2 world records that day. One for the most hot dogs eaten in 10 minutes, and one for the biggest, heaviest, brown dragon dookie ever dropped. I mean, this dude may as well set up camp in his bathroom cause he’s gonna be there for the next few days. Possibly even weeks. He may have taken number one in the contest, but he took a massive number two at home. I read that the calories he consumed were somewhere over 20,000. That is the calorie intake of around 10 days, in one sitting… That also means he’s taking around 10 days worth of shits in one sitting as well… God have mercy on that man’s toilet. Consuming that amount of food is unfathomable to me. Where does it all go? If you laid out 72 hot dogs on a table, they would take up the whole freakin’ table. That image you’re picturing in your head went into someone’s stomach. And that person didn’t die. Or turn into a pile of human feces. What.

 

If you haven’t already seen it, check out the video of the eating contest which I believe is on Youtube. (I am too lazy too add the link for it.) It really is an amazingly weird thing to see. These guys don’t even look like they are eating. It looks as if they are trying to hold back puke by painfully shoving copious amounts of wieners down their throats. They are like human wood chippers, grinding the hot dogs into one end and (presumably) shooting the chips out the other end. How the contestants didn’t projectile vomit all over the crowd of people watching them scarf down the frankfurters is almost as amazing as the courage of the men who were apparently commentating the event. From what it looks like, the commentators were standing directly below the eaters, mere inches from their faces. I compare this to standing at the bottom of an active smoking volcano. They could’ve been sprayed at any moment by hot dog-lava.

 

Maybe the funniest part about all of this to me is that it was aired on ESPN. I’m probably just ignorant, but I had no idea this was classified as an ESPN-worthy sport. The contestants take it seriously and want to win at all costs. It really is funny to me, imagining these guys sitting on the toilet after a hard day of practice, painfully relieving themselves but remembering what is at stake. Toilet paper is stacked to the ceiling as they push out the remnants of their undoubtedly multiple-hour bathroom brawl, their faces stiff with the eye of the tiger. Truly a hilarious mental image.

 

In all seriousness though, these guys are awesome at what they do. They have the hearts of lions. And probably the poops of them too.

Mmm, Leftovers

I recently encountered a very strange word (don’t ask how) that has me scratching my head. It is as awesome as it is mystifying. The word I’m talking about is, wait for it…

 

Tittynope.

 

Yes, you read that correctly. Tittynope. It is defined on the Merriam-Webster website as: a small amount of anything that is leftover. From what I’ve gathered, it’s mostly just applicable to food. So yeah, that leftover chicken from last night that’s sitting in your refrigerator? That’s tittynope. You got tittynope in your fridge. Don’t you just hate when your mom serves tittynope for dinner? As you can tell, it’s really fun to use in context.

 

“Excuse me, waiter, may I have a box for my tittynope?” Next time you’re at a restaurant, try that and watch your waiter or waitress’s facial expression. If they are dedicated enough to their job and too polite to ask what that is, they may just go looking around the restaurant for some kind of nipple container. Probably not though. They will most likely just call you a pig. But still, it’s worth a try.

 

My biggest question about this word is, where the hell did it originate from? Like, what was the situation that created this word?

 

I imagine some guy maybe eating a pizza or something, and after he finishes, there is a little piece of leftover pepperoni on his plate. His friend then walks up out of the blue and asks:

 

“Hey, is that a titty?”

 

And then the friend who ate the pizza goes:

 

“Nope.”

 

Then the other friend thinks to himself:

 

Hmm, titty? Nope.

 

Then boom, leftover food starts getting called tittynope, and somehow this word makes it all the way into the dictionary. Although, I’ve never met anyone who actually knew the meaning of it, or has even heard of it for that matter. So, I am going to try to change that. One use of the word at a time.

 

Anyways, all of this writing has made me hungry for a little snack, and I can see that my friend has some tittynope on his plate. So, till next time, and please feel free to tell me in the comment section how you think this word originated. I’d love to hear your ideas.

Which Syrup Would You Like?

When my sister and I were young, we were eating at an IHOP with our parents. I would say my sister was around four years old, and I was six. When our food arrived, we all reached for the syrup. My mom asked me what kind of syrup I would like, and I told her I’d like the boysenberry. My mom then looked to my sister and asked her if she would like the boysenberry as well. My sister frowned, obviously offended, and exclaimed:

 

“I don’t want the boysenberry, I want the girls and berry!”

“You Too”

For those of you who don’t know, Chipotle is one of those food places where they make your meal in front of you in an assembly-line type of way, and then you pay for the food at the end of the line.

After you’re done paying for your food, the employee will say something along the lines of:

“Here’s your meal, have a nice day.”

So, I always say:

“You too”.

It’s like an automated response for me, I already know what I’m going to say before I respond. Maybe I’m weird, but that’s just what I do.

I’m not the best at social interactions, sue me.

I usually frequent chipotle once a week, sometimes more. So, I was there one day and they decided to switch it up on me. I paid for my food and the worker goes,

“Enjoy your meal.”

And I say:

“You too.”

I quickly realized what I said, and see the worker staring at me with a smirk on her face. Not knowing what to say, I awkwardly walked away, taking the loss.

Apparently, this jokester of a worker told the other workers about my miscue or something, because the next time I was there, a different worker told me to enjoy my meal and I told her to do the same.

Again, they smirked at me and I awkwardly walked away.

The next time I’m in there, I’m prepared. This time, I’m ready to actually listen to what they say and respond like a real human. I listen to the interaction between the worker and the person in front of me. It’s a worker I’ve never seen before, and they tell the customer to have a nice day. I’m thinking, I got this.

I pay for my food and the person slides me my bag. I prepare to say “you too”, but the worker just stares at me and smiles. I short-circuit and stare for a second, waiting to see if they say anything. They don’t, so I grab my bag, smile, and start walking away.

As I turn my back, the worker says:

“Thanks for choosing Chipotle!”

I blurt out the words:

“Thank you, you too!”

Well played Chipotle, well played.

Chewing Yogurt

This is just a quick thought on yogurt.

Does anyone else awkwardly chew it? I always find myself putting a big spoonful of it in my mouth and then chewing it before swallowing. But, this accomplishes absolutely nothing. I’ve tried eating it without chewing and it goes down just as easily. I’m pretty sure it does not not require my clumsy chomping. 

For some reason though, it just doesn’t feel right to not chew it. Does anyone else have this problem?

Oh, and don’t even get me started on oatmeal… that’s a story for another day.