Sockatory

Socks are something that I personally am very horrible at. My socks are either dirty, have holes in them, or have twirled off to the alternate dimension where all my socks eventually end up.

I will buy a brand new pack of socks and place them into my drawer, where they usually stay put for a day or two, three if I’m lucky. I get to enjoy the wonderful feeling of fresh cloth under my feet for just that short period of time. Then, when I go to grab my third or fourth pair, I realize there are only a few socks in my drawer.

Didn’t I buy the twenty pack?

I sift around and realize the socks I’m grabbing are old.

It cant be?

I find a pair that look new. Breathing a sigh of relief, I sit down and start putting them on. My foot slides in, but what stares up at me? One of my toes poking through a gaping hole in the sock. I just stare back, and if my toe could speak in that moment, it would say something along the lines of: Nice try, pal.

I tear the sock off in anger and check the other one. No hole, but I realize it’s a dress sock.

Okay, I guess this can be a fallback.

I go back to my drawer and frantically search for the new socks that I just bought a few days ago. The only socks I can find are the old ones, or ones with holes. The other dress sock isn’t even in there! It’s an ego thing now, I’m not going to put on the old ones when I just bought new ones, and I’m not going to church, so I’m not wearing the holy ones.

The undesirable socks left in my drawer just stare back at me, a painful symbol of my incompetence. They are the socks too old or too sick to travel off to the prestigious alternate sock dimension. (This dimension apparently accepts wallets as well, you can guess how I found that out.) My search is in vain, and I end up settling for an old sock, and one of the new socks I wore the day before that I find behind the toilet. And yes, I only find one new sock. The other one has apparently stumbled upon the portal that provides direct flights to the sock purgatory, along with all the others.

No matter how many pairs of socks I buy, I always end up with the same depleted supply. Over the years, I have developed many theories on where these socks go. Is it a sock nirvana that only accepts the strongest and freshest of socks? Is there a sock demon that gets off on only allowing me to have the bare minimum amount of foot clothing? Is there a sock creature that lives in my house that must feed on healthy socks to sustain its existence? Where do the socks go? Have I stumbled upon a conspiracy that is far beyond my understanding? If you guys don’t hear from me again, you know why.