Public Germ Rooms

I don’t know how many of you consider yourselves germophobes, but let’s just say that when I have nightmares, they usually take place in a public restroom. Trying to hold my breath so as to not inhale any of the floating shit particles, tip-toeing around the puddles of piss on the ground to avoid soaking my shoes in urine, and closing my eyes in prayer while doing my business out of hope that my stream won’t create any dreaded back splash. I can hear the sound sounds of someone grunting one out in a nearby stall. It is truly a horrific scene. After I’m done I sprint towards the exit, the sinks are covered in loogies and hair, therefore I’m better off not washing my hands. I start wrapping my hand in my shirt so that it won’t come into contact with the disgusting door handle when suddenly, I slip on the pee and lose my balance. My heart stops as I realize I’m falling directly towards one of the giant piss puddles. I reach for something, anything, and my hands find a urinal. I scream in agony and despair, letting go immediately. This causes me to continue to fall directly into the giant piss puddle and then everything goes black.

That’s when I wake up. My heart is racing and I have to go take a shower just to get rid of the germ demons swirling around in my head. I would consider that a germophobe, right?

Anyway, there’s one other place that frightens me just about as much as a public restroom. And that place is the waiting room at the doctor’s office.

I was recently in one and it was the usual terror scene. People blowing their noses, old men sneezing and scratching their balls, loud breathing, and the worst of all: Little kids coughing without covering their mouths. Even though I go to an adult doctor now, there are always little kids coughing there. It’s like all doctor’s offices have a coughing kid quota that they need to meet.

My phone was dead and I was bored out of my mind. There was absolutely no way I was touching the germ-infested magazines they always have lying around. I just keep my hands in my pockets and try to breathe as little as possible. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice one of the little kids is licking his toy truck. Snot is pouring out of his nose. Sick little bastard. I shudder and start to pray when a putrid smell arises. Yup, the old man next to me had just farted. As I plug my nose the lady across from me (who had been reading one of the germazines) starts to eat an apple, touching it with her bare hands. I am really starting to think I’m in hell now. Besides, aren’t apples supposed to keep you away from the doctor?

I am startled when I feel an object hit my foot. I look down and see it is the little kid’s saliva truck. I move my body away from it in the same way that a vampire does when he is exposed to a crucifix.

The kid runs over and picks the toy up. His mom yells to him,

“Trevor! Apologize!”

The kid looks at me blankly and without warning, sneezes on me, spraying his repulsive snot/spit onto my arm.

“Sorry,” the little rat says.

I scream out, holding my arm out in front of me like it had been dipped in a chemical vat. I desperately look around for a towel or anything to wipe my arm with, but can’t find anything. I scramble up to the front desk and ask the lady if they have a towel I can use. She looks at me with a fake smile, points, and goes,

“Yes, sir. Right over there in our public restrooms.”

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Whoopty Doo

I never really know how to start these posts off, so, I’m just gonna say that this one is about the recent solar eclipse. This thing was a pretty big freakin’ deal apparently, and when I woke up and saw on the news that people traveled from all over the world just to be in the locations where the eclipse would fully block out the sun, I really couldn’t believe it. Now, I know it’s a once in a lifetime thing for this to occur in the U.S. and blah blah blah blah. If you believe that the solar eclipse is a truly amazing event, and in a way it for sure is, I have no problem with that. You like what you like. But, in my opinion, all this fuss over the thing is stupid as shit.

 

Alright, you mean to tell me that the moon (which we see almost every night of our lives) is going to block the sun? So, kind of like when you hold your hand up in the sky, or wear a hat? Or use an umbrella? Or just close the blinds on your windows? Also, clouds.

 

What’s that you say? The moon is really big so it’s going to make parts of the world dark? So, kind of like what we call night time? Or, when it’s super early in the morning and the sun hasn’t fully risen? And this event only happens for two minutes? Hmm, yeah, I think I’ll pass. I got better things to do, like eat a grilled cheese, or pick my nose.

 

I guess the logic I’m trying to push is that if you’re going to act like this eclipse is so god damn amazing, then I wanna see you wearing your tin-foil-dildo-hats and using your cereal box telescopes to watch every sunrise, sunset, half-moon, full-moon and everything in between. Because when you really think about it, all those things are amazing. The fact that were are living on a giant rock that’s floating in space and orbiting a massive fireball is amazing.

 

One last thing, and I don’t even need to try to make this sound funny. There are people who have been partially blinded from staring at previous eclipses with their bare eyes. Yes, staring at the eclipse. A.k.a the sun’s rays. With their bare eyes. And these geniuses are now issuing a warning to the masses that you should not stare at eclipses. Well ah shit, Sherlock! Thanks for the heads up! I was planning on staring at the sun right after I was done sticking my penis in an electric outlet and bungee jumping without a rope!

 

Gotta love people, man.

The Most Interesting Teacher in the World

Have any of you ever known someone that has a story for absolutely everything? That one person that no matter what subject you bring up, always has some kind of inconceivable anecdote or embellished first-hand experience with said subject? You know, the people who knew George Lucas in high school and gave him the idea for Star Wars, or, once bested Mike Tyson in a street fight that conveniently had no witnesses. Yeah, I know most of you are picturing someone in your head now.

 

I myself had a high school physics teacher who had a story or experience for anything you could possibly imagine, no matter how absolutely crazy or outlandish. It was so painfully obvious that this guy was lying through his teeth, you could practically smell the shit on his breath.

 

“Hey, Mr. Bullshit, (we will call him that for the sake of the story) did you see the game last night?”

 

“Ah yes, I love basketball. You know, back in high school, they would call me ‘Swish’, because I used physics and geometry to perfect the trajectory of my shot. Could make it every time.”

 

Interesting stuff, Mr. Bullshit. And how come he didn’t decide to pursue his amazing talent and inevitably become the greatest basketball player of all time, you ask?

 

“Ah, I injured my toe and lost interest after that.”

 

How convenient Mr. Bullshit, how convenient.

 

He once helped another teacher get their computer to work correctly, (pressed the restart button) and proceeded to tell the entire class about his technological expertise, noting that he “accidentally” hacked his way into the C.I.A. database when he was younger. After a visit from some mysterious men in suits, he was anonymously told to tone down his computer prowess. Yeah, this is the same guy that is teaching a high school physics class and sporting a bad haircut. Totally believable.

 

He got so bad we actually started purposely bringing up ridiculous topics just to hear his inevitable anecdotes.

 

“Hey, Mr. Bullshit, I’m thinking about trying to become an astronaut.”

 

“To be honest, very overrated career choice. Take it from me, most of the guys in NASA are pricks.”

 

Humblebrag much, Mr. Bullshit? Completely fabricate aspects of your life much, Mr. Bullshit? This guy casually implied that he worked for NASA at a point in his life. To his high school physics class. With a straight face. Not to mention, he apparently stopped working for them because he viewed them as idiots. Someone that makes shit up like this so consistently, is a far-fetched concept in itself. Just telling you guys about him makes me seem like I’m the one who’s full of it. It doesn’t stop here though. Oh, no.

 

“Mr. Bullshit, I’m trying to pick up poker, any suggestions?”

 

“If you’re serious about it, my only advice would be to never learn to count cards. As tempting as it is, it’s not worth the consequences.”

 

“What do you mean? You know how to count cards?”

 

“A long time ago, yes. And I had a lot more money back then because of it, too. Let’s just say I’m not welcome in Vegas.”

 

So now you’re a card counter? And you could do it well enough to be some Vegas big shot, illegally raking in the Benjamins and wearing your sunglasses indoors? They should make movies about you.

 

On second thought, your life experiences would actually be too closely parallel to most Hollywood movie scripts. Funny how that works.

 

My only regret is not asking Mr. Bullshit about the capture of Bin Laden, as I no-doubt missed out on some badass first-hand SEAL Team Six stories. Hell, I should’ve asked him for the cure to cancer, I’m sure he’s got it stashed away somewhere. I honestly don’t know if he thought we were mentally equivalent to kindergartners, or if he was the most insane person in the world. Maybe he was even telling the truth about everything, in which case, he needs to contact the Dos Equis beer company immediately. Although, now that I think about it, he’s probably already turned them down. Dammit, this guy is too good.

All The Time

I bet you hear the phrase, “all the time”, all the time. It’s such a common phrase, anyone who even halfway knows the English language uses it on a daily basis when describing something they do frequently. But have you ever really thought about how strange it sounds to say?

If you say something like, “I make tacos all the time,” to me, you’re saying that during all the time you have, absolutely all of it, you’re making tacos. When do you sleep? When do you go to the bathroom? Exactly how much does “all the time” really mean? Are you using other people’s time to make tacos as well? How much time even exists, and how are you monopolizing all of it to make tacos? How many tacos have you made? Who shops for all the ingredients?

How did this phrase even originate? It had to have come from someone who actually used the phrase in a literal context. What was he/she doing all the time? Maybe it was someone describing human’s inhalation of oxygen while here on earth? Was it a World of Warcraft player’s response to someone who asked him how often he masturbtes? We may never know.

It doesn’t even sound grammatically correct. Whether you say it as “all the time” or “all of the time”, to me it sounds like a quote from the fictional movie character Borat.

“Bang, bang, skeet, skeet, my name ah Borat I like having the sex for all of the time!”

It would make more sense for the phrase to be “during all my available time”, that way you wouldn’t sound like some kind of grammatically incorrect multi-dimensional alien wizard-dragon who holds sole possession of “all of the time.”

I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore, the point I’m trying to get at is that the phrase “all the time”, is extremely strange. All I’m asking is that if you’re going to use the statement, just don’t do it all of the time. Now, does that mean I want you to merely use the phrase “all the time” sparingly? Or, does that mean I want you to not use all of the time in the universe to say “all of the time” repeatedly? Jesus, I confused myself again. Why does this have to happen all the time?

Dry Water

If you want peace and quiet, do you start lighting off fireworks? If you want to stay awake, do you take sleeping pills? What if you’re a vegetarian, then would you make a steak for dinner? If you aren’t clinically insane, you probably answered “no” to all those questions. Well, here’s another question, why do people get into a swimming pool if they don’t want to get wet?

 

I can’t count the number of times I’ve actually annoyed someone in a pool by accidentally getting a minuscule amount of water on their upper body, or God forbid splashing them and getting the dreaded water on their face. Yeah, the water. You know, the stuff they’re sitting in.

 

“Oh, but I don’t want to get my hair wet.”

 

Well if you don’t want to get your hair wet then a pool probably isn’t the best place to be, is it, bud? Last time I checked, a pool is a pretty wet place. Also, hair dryers, towels, air, etc. All very effective for removing water from hair.

 

People who think like this are the same people that throw away the crust on their pizza or only eat the inside of their bread. The very same unstable individuals that order a quesadilla with “light cheese”. I mean seriously, just get freakin’ burrito.

 

If you don’t want to get wet in a pool, then why don’t you just go sit in a bathtub? Oh, the waters too hot in a bathtub? (Yeah, I’ve actually heard this excuse before.) Well, there’s this really cool thing called using the cold water valve! You can even use the cold water and hot water valves at the same time to ensure the temperature is to your liking! Oh, but you want to be able to sit in the sun? Well, now you’re just suffering from a bad case of first world problems. There are people starving in the world, not knowing when their next meal might be, and you’re mad because you can’t be in the sun with half your body in water and the other half completely void of all liquid or precipitation. You’re what I would call a human dingleberry.

Anyways, I don’t want to rant for too long. I’m also hungry, and I think I’m going to make a quesadilla. With plenty of cheese.

That’s So Unrealistic

There are plenty of annoying things you can do while watching a movie. Talk through it, ask constant questions about the plot, eat loudly, etc. But to me, there is nothing worse than whining and complaining about how unrealistic the movie is.

Now, if the movie’s entire plot revolves around realism, you have every right to complain about the factual inaccuracies or blunders. There are plenty of movies that are downright stupid and deserve to be criticized. But, if the movie is about dragons, or a kid’s toy possessed by an evil serial killer, (shout out to Child’s Play) why in the hell are you complaining that the main character shouldn’t have been able to jump that far, or that the cop should’ve ran out of ammo? Last time I checked, dragons don’t exist, and neither do evil possessed kid’s toys. You’re willing to go along with people living in a magical land of dwarves and elves, but you can’t tolerate the characters going long amounts of time without eating?

“They wouldn’t be able to break that lock, that would never happen.”

Oh yeah? The breaking of the lock is fake, but the huge bloodsucking vampire chasing them isn’t? The lock breaking couldn’t happen, but a man turning into a pale, immortal creature of the night could?

People actually find it logical to pop in a movie about talking animals, and then complain about aspects of the plot being fake. Hey there, do you not realize the entire premise of this movie is based on something that is impossible? And you’re complaining about someone holding their breath for too long?

“There’s no way that car would explode like that.”

Hey bud, it’s a movie about talking gorillas. Let’s put things in perspective here.

Anyways, that’s probably enough ranting for today. If you’re one of these people I’m talking about, I guess my parting message to you would be: Give documentaries a try. Or dog crap. It’s really up to you.

 

8-Year-Old Man

When you were a little kid, did you ever just wish you could get behind the wheel of a car and drive to wherever you wanted to go? Did you long to be able to take off, not needing your parent’s approval or permission, and head down to your favorite toy store or Fast-food restaurant? I’m sure all of us felt that way at some point in our childhoods. But of course, we could never make that far off dream a reality, as we all would have to wait many years to finally be able to drive a vehicle. All of us except one 8-year-old boy from Ohio.

According to a news article I recently read, this 8-year-old boy I’m referring to, drove his dad’s car over a mile to the nearest McDonald’s to get his sister some food. How did he learn to drive you ask?

YouTube, of course. Where else?

Apparently, after his sister informed him that she was hungry, he took to YouTube and searched up a video on how to drive. Cause, what else would an 8-year-old do? Be a normal 8-year-old and ignore his sister, crap his pants, then continue to watch cartoons? Nah, not this kid. After watching the video, he and his sister hopped into dad’s car and took off. Witnesses say he obeyed all traffic laws, successfully made a few turns, and drove the speed limit. What else would you expect from this badass mofo of a kid? The police eventually got involved, but not after the 8-year-old savage and his sister finished their cheeseburgers. The Most Interesting Kid in the World then told the cops he learned to drive from YouTube before flicking his cigarette at them and hopping back into the vehicle and burning out. (Okay, I made up the part about the cigarette and burning out, but that’s the version of the story I’m going to believe.)

First of all, this kid is 100 percent growing up to be Chuck Norris. If I wanted food at 8-years-old, I would probably beg for mommy to make me some, and if she didn’t, then I would cry and look for skittles in the couch. What grade is an 8-year-old in? I think it’s 3rd. Dude, in 3rd grade my mom was still dressing me and combing my hair. I was completely useless. This little guy is operating vehicles and using the Internet extremely effectively. He’s even selflessly providing for his sister. When I was that age, the only time I ever interacted with my sister was to call her a poopface. (I’m beginning to look like quite the little douchebag.)

This kid is the type who could be abandoned in the forest, and within a few days, be leading a pack of wolves. He’d gain their respect by defeating a bear in hand-to-hand combat using Jiu Jitsu that he learned from a YouTube video. I mean, really, what are the chances this kid doesn’t grow up to be a Navy SEAL? Sure, he disobeyed his parents, but when you’re a go-getter to that degree at such an early age, your future is pretty bright. And most likely includes you growing up to be James Bond or Indiana Jones.

Then again, maybe he’ll just grow up to be a driving instructor.

 

 

 

First Place Takes Number Two

Yesterday, a new hot dog-eating world record was set at 72 hot dogs in 10 minutes by a man by the name of Joey Chestnut.

 

72 hot dogs.

 

In 10 minutes.

 

Now, I knew that there were hot dog-eating contests and that the human garbage disposals competing in them put down large amounts of wieners, but I had no clue they were putting up numbers like these.

 

First of all, what most people are unaware of, is that this Joey Chestnut guy set 2 world records that day. One for the most hot dogs eaten in 10 minutes, and one for the biggest, heaviest, brown dragon dookie ever dropped. I mean, this dude may as well set up camp in his bathroom cause he’s gonna be there for the next few days. Possibly even weeks. He may have taken number one in the contest, but he took a massive number two at home. I read that the calories he consumed were somewhere over 20,000. That is the calorie intake of around 10 days, in one sitting… That also means he’s taking around 10 days worth of shits in one sitting as well… God have mercy on that man’s toilet. Consuming that amount of food is unfathomable to me. Where does it all go? If you laid out 72 hot dogs on a table, they would take up the whole freakin’ table. That image you’re picturing in your head went into someone’s stomach. And that person didn’t die. Or turn into a pile of human feces. What.

 

If you haven’t already seen it, check out the video of the eating contest which I believe is on Youtube. (I am too lazy too add the link for it.) It really is an amazingly weird thing to see. These guys don’t even look like they are eating. It looks as if they are trying to hold back puke by painfully shoving copious amounts of wieners down their throats. They are like human wood chippers, grinding the hot dogs into one end and (presumably) shooting the chips out the other end. How the contestants didn’t projectile vomit all over the crowd of people watching them scarf down the frankfurters is almost as amazing as the courage of the men who were apparently commentating the event. From what it looks like, the commentators were standing directly below the eaters, mere inches from their faces. I compare this to standing at the bottom of an active smoking volcano. They could’ve been sprayed at any moment by hot dog-lava.

 

Maybe the funniest part about all of this to me is that it was aired on ESPN. I’m probably just ignorant, but I had no idea this was classified as an ESPN-worthy sport. The contestants take it seriously and want to win at all costs. It really is funny to me, imagining these guys sitting on the toilet after a hard day of practice, painfully relieving themselves but remembering what is at stake. Toilet paper is stacked to the ceiling as they push out the remnants of their undoubtedly multiple-hour bathroom brawl, their faces stiff with the eye of the tiger. Truly a hilarious mental image.

 

In all seriousness though, these guys are awesome at what they do. They have the hearts of lions. And probably the poops of them too.

Mmm, Leftovers

I recently encountered a very strange word (don’t ask how) that has me scratching my head. It is as awesome as it is mystifying. The word I’m talking about is, wait for it…

 

Tittynope.

 

Yes, you read that correctly. Tittynope. It is defined on the Merriam-Webster website as: a small amount of anything that is leftover. From what I’ve gathered, it’s mostly just applicable to food. So yeah, that leftover chicken from last night that’s sitting in your refrigerator? That’s tittynope. You got tittynope in your fridge. Don’t you just hate when your mom serves tittynope for dinner? As you can tell, it’s really fun to use in context.

 

“Excuse me, waiter, may I have a box for my tittynope?” Next time you’re at a restaurant, try that and watch your waiter or waitress’s facial expression. If they are dedicated enough to their job and too polite to ask what that is, they may just go looking around the restaurant for some kind of nipple container. Probably not though. They will most likely just call you a pig. But still, it’s worth a try.

 

My biggest question about this word is, where the hell did it originate from? Like, what was the situation that created this word?

 

I imagine some guy maybe eating a pizza or something, and after he finishes, there is a little piece of leftover pepperoni on his plate. His friend then walks up out of the blue and asks:

 

“Hey, is that a titty?”

 

And then the friend who ate the pizza goes:

 

“Nope.”

 

Then the other friend thinks to himself:

 

Hmm, titty? Nope.

 

Then boom, leftover food starts getting called tittynope, and somehow this word makes it all the way into the dictionary. Although, I’ve never met anyone who actually knew the meaning of it, or has even heard of it for that matter. So, I am going to try to change that. One use of the word at a time.

 

Anyways, all of this writing has made me hungry for a little snack, and I can see that my friend has some tittynope on his plate. So, till next time, and please feel free to tell me in the comment section how you think this word originated. I’d love to hear your ideas.

Drunk Babies

I once heard from somebody that babies are really kind of just drunk middle-aged men when you think about it. I find this to be extremely accurate. They waddle around with their bellies hanging out, milk (beer) bottles in hand, yelling incomprehensible words at people and chasing the nearest thing with boobs. They have an extremely hard time keeping their balance and will just point at things and mumble, expecting you to understand. They will whip it out and pee without hesitation, and shat in their pants if needed. If they drink too much milk (beer), they throw it up. However, they are experts of the “puke and rally” technique, and soon will be back at their shenanigans as if nothing happened. They will laugh, cry, dance, and fall asleep— all in a thirty minute span. If that doesn’t describe someone who is completely hammered, I don’t know what does.

 

I guess you start your life acting that way and you end it in the same manner.

 

I am no exception to this apparently, as my parents have told me that when I was a baby, I loved to stumble around in my diaper, holding my bottle and dancing around with my milk (beer) belly. They also said that I absolutely loved the movie Toy Story, and I would rarely be seen without my Buzz Lightyear and Woody dolls. (For those of you that don’t know what Toy Story is, let me know in the comment section what planet you’re from.)

At that point in my life, my language skills obviously weren’t fully developed, yet I still loved showing people my Buzz Lightyear and Woody dolls. According to my parents, when I would meet someone, I would say the most drunken old man thing possible.

“Hello, this is my Bud Light, wanna see my Woody?”