Mmm, soap. Yummy.

Very stupid post here but I just wanted to express my feelings towards surface cleaner, hand soap, and really any cleaning product in general that chooses to portray itself as absolutely delicious.

I’m not gonna name brands but I just cleaned my kitchen counters with a cleaning spray that had the scent of “Pink Grapefruit Banana Kiwi”. I don’t know about any of you guys, but let me tell you, that shit smells flat out amazing. As I cleaned, I seriously considered spraying some onto my tongue or even just screwing the cap off and taking a little sip of it. (Yeah, insert Tide pod jokes here.) The stuff is even in a see through bottle and is a radiant pinkish purple color, looking like a refreshingly delectable beverage that should be going straight down the hatch. It even says, “Non-toxic”. Seriously? Are you tempting me? Do you want me to try it? Cause I will.

I went online to search up the other “flavors” and oh, it gets much better. “Minty Lemon squeeze”. “Toasted Almond”. “Rosemary Herb Butter.” Dude, am I cleaning my counters or am I spraying this on my pasta?

And that’s just surface cleaner. Let’s not even get started with the “Winter Candy Cocoa”, “Frosted French Toast”, and “Warm Apple Pie”, hand soaps. Are you kidding me? How do you even portray warmth in a scent first of all, and second, we live in a world where soap is making me hungry. I sit on my couch sniffing my freaking hands after I go to the bathroom like some kind of narcissistic psychopath.

Dude, if I was a kid, I’d be cussing my mom out on the daily.

“You’re gonna eat soap now to clean out that filthy mouth!”

“Sweet! Can it be the Chocolate Caramel Bundt Cake this time? I ate too much of the Creme Brulee yesterday and got a stomach ache. Bitch”.

Imagine being a parent and telling your five-year-old not to eat this shit.

“Now, these are chemicals, Billy. You do not, under any circumstance, put these in your mouth.”

“Then why is it called ‘Scrum-diddly-umptious Marshmallows and Skittles cleaner?'”

“Because, wellโ€” I don’t actually know, Billy. Sounds pretty damn tasty to me.”

The actual food these products are imitating doesn’t even smell or look as good as these delicious chemicals.

All in all it’s probably some kind of conspiracy to thin out the heard. Speed up Darwinism. Next thing you know they’ll have flavored lighter fluid and candy cane car exhaust.

Moral of the story: If you eat Tide pods, you’re a dumb ass. Soap and surface cleaner is where it’s at, man.

 

Advertisements

15 thoughts on “Hungry?

  1. That was really interesting! Had never thought about the names of the different cleaners…will notice next time I’m in the market! Keep up the good work as it brings a smile to our faces ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This brought a wide grin to my face๐Ÿ˜€ and looked at my โ€˜spiced white cocoaโ€™ and โ€˜melon crushโ€™ scented candles. Iโ€™ve fought off the temptation so far๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜‚

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hilarious! ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m a child of the 70s and my mother often threatened to cleanse my ‘potty mouth’ with soap. Being autistic, I took her literally. I even licked the soap once to see if I could handle a mouth full. Mind you, we didn’t have any fancy soaps like you describe. It was Fairy, Pears (not the fruit), Imperial Leather or Coal Tar. If you wanted to give your ma lip in the 70s, you made damn sure you could run fast!
    Another fine post, Sir! I always look forward to seeing you in my inbox. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s