The other day I was doing some Grizzly bear research. If you want to know why I was doing Grizzly bear research it’s because it was part of my predator research. My predator research began because I wanted to know which animal was smarter, a dog or a cat. (My dog was eating my cat’s puke and my cat was licking its asshole, I figured it had to be close.) So naturally, after reading about cats’ intellect and bad ass hunting abilities I had to take it upon myself to find out who the most ferocious of the felines were. This of course turned into a quest to find out who the fiercest predator on earth was. I was basically able to narrow it down to the Tiger and the Grizzly after a few hours of my life that I’ll never get back. So yeah, Google. You guys get the point.
So, I’m researching how attacks from these animals play out on humans and *spoiler alert* ya die at the end. But there is actually some really interesting (hilarious?) advice on how to potentially “survive” a Grizzly bear attack. It’s mostly common knowledge but how many of you have really dissected this bullshit?
First thing you’re supposed to do, my fellow bear snacks, (this is all assuming you don’t have a gun, by the way) is not run. K, I get that bears can outrun the shit out of you. It’s physically impossible to outrun a bear. But, hey, don’t tell me to not run when there’s a ten foot Grizzly trying to eat me. Know why? Cause if I stand still he’s gonna see the shit dripping down my leg and there’s no way he’s not killing me after that.
Alright, step two. If you’ve managed to not run and you’re standing in front of Mr. Grizzly with your shit filled socks, now you must not make eye contact. Yeah, that’s right. Just pretend the snarling Satan creation that could practice his ping pong serve with your head isn’t there. Yup, just stare at a squirrel or something. Although that probably wouldn’t help because the squirrel would be laughing at you for not paying attention to the giant Grizzly bear in front of you. Seriously though, I get that this gives you the best chance to live but is anyone that doesn’t live in a cave that he stole from a pack of wolves really following this advice if actually placed in the situation?
Alright so now, you’re standing in front of a massive snarling Grizzly bear enjoying the weather and looking around at the flowers. Experts say now, if you can, make yourself look bigger than the bear. The ten foot tall thousand pound bear. Make yourself look bigger than him. Go ahead, do it. Oh, you’re not a sorcerer? Okay, well I guess we’ll just go with the option of not doing that.
Let’s say he decides to charge you. This is where you’re supposed to remain calm, stand your ground, and do not scream. Yeah, so if you weren’t calm before, A.K.A. you’re a human being, now is the most essential time to get real calm. That’s right, while the thousand pound bear is charging you. Come on man, calm down. What are you? Some kind of pussy? Also advised: Speak in a very low, friendly voice to notify the bear that you are a human.
“Hey, bear. No need for that aggression around here, man. I’m a human, everything’s cool. You can go back to flossing your teeth with deer spines.”
Bear: “Ah shit, sorry, man. You’re the third one this week. I accidentally ate the other two because they freaked when I charged them.”
Alright time for the most hilariously stupid piece of advice. This is where things really turn into a cartoon. So, if you’ve calmly stood in front of the massive behemoth of fur and muscle trying to eat you, remained super calm, ignored him, politely notified him that you’re human, and he’s STILL charging you, this is what you do.
You lay down on your stomach and cover your neck. You just lay there. Ya let him climb on top of you, hump you a few times, bite off a hand or two. Maybe tear a few ribs out. Poke a hole through your melon. But remember, you MUST REMAIN CALM. Absolutely no screaming and no noise making. If he bites one of your legs off, you MUST make zero noise. Seriously, don’t be an idiot and yell out in pain when one of your ears is swallowed. Do you want to live or not? So you lost a testicle or two? Big deal, sack u— wait, bad idiom.
To illustrate my point with this last step, imagine laying face down in the dirt with a gigantic Grizzly bear standing over you sniffing you. You’re literally just waiting to see if he’s going to tear you to shreds, slowly eat you, toy with you, etc. This massive apex predator that is about as close as you can get to a flawless killing machine is SNIFFING YOU. There is no conscious thought in this scenario, there is only uncontrolled defecation.
Lastly, if the bear has had his fun with you, and you’re still breathing, now you can get up and go hike for help. You know, with one of your legs gone, your intestines spilling out, throat slashed, etc. Go hike back to camp and get help, buddy. We’re rootin’ for ya.
Alright, so I’ve ranted long enough. If any of you are curious as to what experts recommend for a Tiger encounter, they pretty much just say to hope that he eats you fast.
Finally, some logical advice.