A used car salesman stands astutely, arms crossed, overlooking his car lot. It’s his kingdom. His domain. It’s a metallic jungle and he is the mighty howler monkey—I mean, the lion. The mighty lion.

His dirty mustache hangs gently over his upper lip as the sun reflects off of his weathered Oakley shades. The cars in the lot sit lamely, looking like marinated swamp turds waiting to be put out of their misery. I don’t know what a swamp turd is, but the term feels right.

The salesman is just about to light up a cigarette and take a sweet drag when he spots what he’s been looking for all day.

Prey.

An unsuspecting couple is wandering around the lot near the hatchbacks. They are inspecting a ’99 Mercury Tracer with 392,000 miles on it priced at $10 grand. The perfect victims. The salesmen slinks over to the couple, leaving a thick trail of slime and hair gel in his wake.

Salesman: Hey folks, how’s it going? (Translation: So are you two morons here to buy a car or not?)

Couple: Oh, you know just browsing around. (Translation: Leave us alone, dickhead.)

Salesman: Ah, I see. You guys looking for anything specific? (Translation: I got some real shit bird cars here that I can hopefully swindle you into buying.)

Couple: Uh, yeah, we’re looking for something roomy but sleek. (Translation: We have no interest in buying anything here but we’re down to waste your time.)

Salesman: Great, let me show you our gorgeous pick up trucks. (Translation: I don’t give a shit what you’re looking for, I got some trucks that are overpriced as balls that I need to sell.)

Couple: This truck is nice. (Translation: We aren’t buying this one.)

Salesman: Oh yeah, she’s a beauty! I can totally see you guys rolling around in that bad boy. (Translation: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I have a huge boner.)

Couple: 543,000 miles? (Translation: Nice try, you little butt weasel.)

Salesman: Nothing to worry about. These trucks run forever. I got one of ’em and it just hit a million miles. (Translation: Oh yeah, the engine will blow up the second you drive it off the lot. But hey, I gotta make money somehow.) 

Couple: That’s just a little high for us right now. (Translation: You’re so full of shit it’s coming out your ears.)

Salesman: Alright, well how about I knock it down from $45,995 to $45,950? That’s a smokin’ deal. You’re never gonna find a vehicle of this caliber for that price anywhere else. (Translation: You could literally go anywhere else and find a vehicle of this caliber for cheaper but I think you’re stupid and I need to make money.)

Couple: That’s just too pricey for us. (Translation: You have actually managed to surprise us with your level of slime.)

Salesman: Come on guys, I’m really trying to help you out here. (Translation: Come on guys, I’m really trying to screw you over here, stop cock blocking me.)

Couple: Okay, well we will come back tomorrow. (Translation: We are going to get as far away from this place as possible and never come back.)

Salesman: Are you sure? I got other options. (Translation: Please, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…)

Couple: We’re sure. (Translation: Come on, you knew this was never happening, asshole.)

Salesman: Fair enough. I look forward to seeing you guys tomorrow so we can get you into your dream car. It was my pleasure helping you out today, here’s my card. I hope you guys have a wonderful rest of your day. (Translation: Eat my asshole.)

Couple: Thank you! (Translation: Drink bleach, prick.)

And with that, the proud salesman readjusts his Oakley’s, itches the Lit’l Smokies sausage between his legs and slinks off back to his perch to await his next chance at closing a badass smokin’ deal.

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16 thoughts on “Life Of A Used Car Salesman

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