Have any of you ever been bitten by a Black Widow? What about a Brown Recluse? A rabid rat? What about stung by a Scorpion? Stung by a hornet in the eye?
What about bit or stung by every single one of those creatures? If you said yes then you are probably my co-worker (Cartman).
Yup, he was not only bitten by a Brown Recluse, but bit by a Brown Recluse nine times. He then drove himself halfway unconscious to the hospital and then casually told the doctors what had happened. Then while in the hospital bed he grabbed the dying skin on his leg from the bites and tore it from his bone cause, well, that’s the logical, totally sensical decision to make. He told me the skin was irritating him. So he ripped it off. Makes sense, I mean, what else was he supposed to do? Wait for the doctors to assess his situation and treat him with their extensive resources and intense training and experience? Nah, not Cartman. (He showed me the scars by the way. They weren’t there.)
You know the band Smashing Pumpkins? Well they used to pay Cartman to beat people up. He once got $200 dollars for upper cutting a guy who threw something on stage. (I’m sure the super famous band Smashing Pumpkins didn’t have the means to hire an actually security team so this one is totally believable. Wink, wink.)
One time, Cartman was working as a bouncer (he told me this was back when he used to be fat— he’s 350 pounds at the moment) and he was attacked by six cholos who wanted to get in the club. He pepper sprayed them and was then attacked by their girlfriends who jumped on his back and clawed his bald head. He pepper sprayed them, too. (Imagine a middle-aged 350 pound man resembling Paul Blart, victoriously standing in the street holding a can of pepper spray, surrounded by six cholos writhing around on the ground in pain. Gotta give him props for this one.)
When Cartman was young, he used to hang around a driving range and shoot the golf balls out of the air with his pellet gun. (Yeah, he was this good of a shot apparently. I’m not sure why SEAL Team 6 never called. Or maybe they did? Guess I’ll have to ask him tomorrow.)
Oh, and Cartman also fell off a cliff, outran a train, got hit by a car, and fell down a well. All in the same day by the way. (No words for this one.)
To sum everything up, after one of his stories I asked him (not) jokingly if he was dropped on his head as baby. His response: Well yeah, a bunch of times. My dad used to play a game he called “Drop the infant on its head” where he’d dangle me by my ankles and drop me on my head.
Things are all finally starting to make sense.
As long as the sun rises this guy has stories so stay tuned.
OMFG there’s never a dull moment with this one! Oh lord… how do you keep it together around him?? I’d be calling BS and laughing in his face, like, all day long! Hahahahaaa!!
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Haha nope never! I definitely call B.S. on him but his defense to that is just to force feed another story down my throat before I have a chance to argue 😂😂
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HAHAHA!! Wellll, at least your misery can be written down here for the likes of me to laugh at. I always enjoy your posts 😁
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Exactly 😂😂 hey thanks so much I’m glad that they bring you some entertainment!
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You have an amazing sense of humour. I love the sarcasm you add to it. I actually wait for your posts!
🌸🌸
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Wow thanks so much that’s awesome! I really appreciate the support 😄👍🏼
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Hahaha! This guy sounds nuts.
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😂😂
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Who hired him? How is he still there? What is his actual job?
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Let’s just say this isn’t a very prestigious job.. hahaha
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He sounds so bad-ass! Hilarious!
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Oh total! 😂 thanks for reading!
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I love Cartman! 😄
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I definitely have a love/hate with him 😂
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Very good!!!
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Thank you!!
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Please tell me you have already started your stand-up comedy career!?!?!
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Haha not quite! I am moving to Los Angeles in about a month to pursue a career in TV writing though!
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That’s awesome! I wish you a very successful career. If your blog posts are any indication of your talent you will go straight to the top 🤩
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Wow thank you so much for the kind words! I hope you are right! I really appreciate you taking the time to read my stuff 😄👍🏼
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Nice!!!
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Too Funny. I remember my grandfather on many occasions saying not to throw us Kennedy children out the window – cause we would land on our heads and not notice it at all because of our hard heads!
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Lol that’s funny! Thanks for reading!!
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Dude, that guy sounds crazy. Lol😂😝
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God, you are killing me!😂
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Hahaa good to hear! Thanks for giving my stuff a read!
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