I don’t know anything about flowers. I know what a rose looks like and what a sunflower looks like. Other than that, everything is just called a tulip in my world. One thing I think I do know though, is that flowers are supposed to smell good. They aren’t supposed to smell bad. People enjoy sniffing flowers and complimenting them, that’s just what you do with flowers, right?

The other day, my mom got a bundle, or bouquet, if that’s what it’s called, of flowers. She casually mentioned that she decided to get some “Baby’s Breath” in the bouquet. After expressing my confusion, she explained to me that Baby’s Breath is a type of flower usually used to compliment a bouquet.

This was just really, really stupid to me. Why would you name something that is supposed to smell good after something that smells bad? Baby’s Breath? That shit is nasty. Have you seen a baby? Have you seen what they eat? What they do? They have exactly zero personal hygiene. They don’t shower, they don’t put deodorant on, and they sure as shit don’t brush their teeth or use breath mints. They’re constantly drooling and spitting up on themselves and putting other people’s fingers in their mouths. If I had to make a bet on whether or not a baby’s breath was gonna smell good or not, I would put a lot of money on it not smelling good. A lot of money.

That’s like making a food dish and calling it “sticky nut cheese”. Mmm, yeah, sounds real appetizing. Or building an airplane and calling it “The Lead Penguin”.

Baby’s Breath. Here babe, I got you some Baby’s Breath. You know like the little creatures that chew on their own boogers? Yeah, I figured you’d want a flower that smelled like their breath. Oh, you want me to leave? And take the flowers with me? Put them where? Oh. Oh, geez.ย 

It’s funny because the people who named these flowers were definitely trying to be cute. Oh, we’ll just name these flowers after something innocent and pure like a precious little baby. People will love that! Well, those people aren’t me. I see through the weak attempt at applying an angelic air to these unfortunate plants.

Apparently, people buy these flowers though. The market for ironically named flowers could be pretty lucrative, you never know. Maybe I’ll look into becoming a florist and creating my own line of flower.

I think I’ll call it “Grandpa’s Queef”.

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55 thoughts on “Smell My Flowers

  1. As I recall, babies’ breath usually isn’t so bad, so long as they haven’t just eaten, spit up or barfed. Then, of course, it’s just kind of sour. Admittedly, however, parenthood comes with a number of glaring mental blind spots, presumably so we actually keep the little buggers around for longer than, say, a bouquet of flowers.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. *crying*
    To be fair, a newborn’s breath can be quite pleasant. It’s often overlooked because of what’s coming out of their bottoms and you have to get in there pre-milkbarf but it is there. I speak from my experience of being the mother of three. As always, you made me laugh out loud before 9am. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I got to say, having had 3 babies myself I can confirm their breath is quite pleasant… Once they start on solids though, not so much!! Give it a whiff some time ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ‘Œ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would suggest to read a lot of other peopleโ€™s work and give feedback and make comments! Get to know as many other bloggers as you can and just interact as much as possible. Iโ€™ve connected with a lot of cool people and have a lot of fun on here! Hope that advice helps!

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