Have any of you ever known someone that has a story for absolutely everything? That one person that no matter what subject you bring up, always has some kind of inconceivable anecdote or embellished first-hand experience with said subject? You know, the people who knew George Lucas in high school and gave him the idea for Star Wars, or, once bested Mike Tyson in a street fight that conveniently had no witnesses. Yeah, I know most of you are picturing someone in your head now.
I myself had a high school physics teacher who had a story or experience for anything you could possibly imagine, no matter how absolutely crazy or outlandish. It was so painfully obvious that this guy was lying through his teeth, you could practically smell the shit on his breath.
“Hey, Mr. Bullshit, (we will call him that for the sake of the story) did you see the game last night?”
“Ah yes, I love basketball. You know, back in high school, they would call me ‘Swish’, because I used physics and geometry to perfect the trajectory of my shot. Could make it every time.”
Interesting stuff, Mr. Bullshit. And how come he didn’t decide to pursue his amazing talent and inevitably become the greatest basketball player of all time, you ask?
“Ah, I injured my toe and lost interest after that.”
How convenient Mr. Bullshit, how convenient.
He once helped another teacher get their computer to work correctly, (pressed the restart button) and proceeded to tell the entire class about his technological expertise, noting that he “accidentally” hacked his way into the C.I.A. database when he was younger. After a visit from some mysterious men in suits, he was anonymously told to tone down his computer prowess. Yeah, this is the same guy that is teaching a high school physics class and sporting a bad haircut. Totally believable.
He got so bad we actually started purposely bringing up ridiculous topics just to hear his inevitable anecdotes.
“Hey, Mr. Bullshit, I’m thinking about trying to become an astronaut.”
“To be honest, very overrated career choice. Take it from me, most of the guys in NASA are pricks.”
Humblebrag much, Mr. Bullshit? Completely fabricate aspects of your life much, Mr. Bullshit? This guy casually implied that he worked for NASA at a point in his life. To his high school physics class. With a straight face. Not to mention, he apparently stopped working for them because he viewed them as idiots. Someone that makes shit up like this so consistently, is a far-fetched concept in itself. Just telling you guys about him makes me seem like I’m the one who’s full of it. It doesn’t stop here though. Oh, no.
“Mr. Bullshit, I’m trying to pick up poker, any suggestions?”
“If you’re serious about it, my only advice would be to never learn to count cards. As tempting as it is, it’s not worth the consequences.”
“What do you mean? You know how to count cards?”
“A long time ago, yes. And I had a lot more money back then because of it, too. Let’s just say I’m not welcome in Vegas.”
So now you’re a card counter? And you could do it well enough to be some Vegas big shot, illegally raking in the Benjamins and wearing your sunglasses indoors? They should make movies about you.
On second thought, your life experiences would actually be too closely parallel to most Hollywood movie scripts. Funny how that works.
My only regret is not asking Mr. Bullshit about the capture of Bin Laden, as I no-doubt missed out on some badass first-hand SEAL Team Six stories. Hell, I should’ve asked him for the cure to cancer, I’m sure he’s got it stashed away somewhere. I honestly don’t know if he thought we were mentally equivalent to kindergartners, or if he was the most insane person in the world. Maybe he was even telling the truth about everything, in which case, he needs to contact the Dos Equis beer company immediately. Although, now that I think about it, he’s probably already turned them down. Dammit, this guy is too good.