8-Year-Old Man

When you were a little kid, did you ever just wish you could get behind the wheel of a car and drive to wherever you wanted to go? Did you long to be able to take off, not needing your parent’s approval or permission, and head down to your favorite toy store or Fast-food restaurant? I’m sure all of us felt that way at some point in our childhoods. But of course, we could never make that far off dream a reality, as we all would have to wait many years to finally be able to drive a vehicle. All of us except one 8-year-old boy from Ohio.

According to a news article I recently read, this 8-year-old boy I’m referring to, drove his dad’s car over a mile to the nearest McDonald’s to get his sister some food. How did he learn to drive you ask?

YouTube, of course. Where else?

Apparently, after his sister informed him that she was hungry, he took to YouTube and searched up a video on how to drive. Cause, what else would an 8-year-old do? Be a normal 8-year-old and ignore his sister, crap his pants, then continue to watch cartoons? Nah, not this kid. After watching the video, he and his sister hopped into dad’s car and took off. Witnesses say he obeyed all traffic laws, successfully made a few turns, and drove the speed limit. What else would you expect from this badass mofo of a kid? The police eventually got involved, but not after the 8-year-old savage and his sister finished their cheeseburgers. The Most Interesting Kid in the World then told the cops he learned to drive from YouTube before flicking his cigarette at them and hopping back into the vehicle and burning out. (Okay, I made up the part about the cigarette and burning out, but that’s the version of the story I’m going to believe.)

First of all, this kid is 100 percent growing up to be Chuck Norris. If I wanted food at 8-years-old, I would probably beg for mommy to make me some, and if she didn’t, then I would cry and look for skittles in the couch. What grade is an 8-year-old in? I think it’s 3rd. Dude, in 3rd grade my mom was still dressing me and combing my hair. I was completely useless. This little guy is operating vehicles and using the Internet extremely effectively. He’s even selflessly providing for his sister. When I was that age, the only time I ever interacted with my sister was to call her a poopface. (I’m beginning to look like quite the little douchebag.)

This kid is the type who could be abandoned in the forest, and within a few days, be leading a pack of wolves. He’d gain their respect by defeating a bear in hand-to-hand combat using Jiu Jitsu that he learned from a YouTube video. I mean, really, what are the chances this kid doesn’t grow up to be a Navy SEAL? Sure, he disobeyed his parents, but when you’re a go-getter to that degree at such an early age, your future is pretty bright. And most likely includes you growing up to be James Bond or Indiana Jones.

Then again, maybe he’ll just grow up to be a driving instructor.