Yesterday, a new hot dog-eating world record was set at 72 hot dogs in 10 minutes by a man by the name of Joey Chestnut.

 

72 hot dogs.

 

In 10 minutes.

 

Now, I knew that there were hot dog-eating contests and that the human garbage disposals competing in them put down large amounts of wieners, but I had no clue they were putting up numbers like these.

 

First of all, what most people are unaware of, is that this Joey Chestnut guy set 2 world records that day. One for the most hot dogs eaten in 10 minutes, and one for the biggest, heaviest, brown dragon dookie ever dropped. I mean, this dude may as well set up camp in his bathroom cause he’s gonna be there for the next few days. Possibly even weeks. He may have taken number one in the contest, but he took a massive number two at home. I read that the calories he consumed were somewhere over 20,000. That is the calorie intake of around 10 days, in one sitting… That also means he’s taking around 10 days worth of shits in one sitting as well… God have mercy on that man’s toilet. Consuming that amount of food is unfathomable to me. Where does it all go? If you laid out 72 hot dogs on a table, they would take up the whole freakin’ table. That image you’re picturing in your head went into someone’s stomach. And that person didn’t die. Or turn into a pile of human feces. What.

 

If you haven’t already seen it, check out the video of the eating contest which I believe is on Youtube. (I am too lazy too add the link for it.) It really is an amazingly weird thing to see. These guys don’t even look like they are eating. It looks as if they are trying to hold back puke by painfully shoving copious amounts of wieners down their throats. They are like human wood chippers, grinding the hot dogs into one end and (presumably) shooting the chips out the other end. How the contestants didn’t projectile vomit all over the crowd of people watching them scarf down the frankfurters is almost as amazing as the courage of the men who were apparently commentating the event. From what it looks like, the commentators were standing directly below the eaters, mere inches from their faces. I compare this to standing at the bottom of an active smoking volcano. They could’ve been sprayed at any moment by hot dog-lava.

 

Maybe the funniest part about all of this to me is that it was aired on ESPN. I’m probably just ignorant, but I had no idea this was classified as an ESPN-worthy sport. The contestants take it seriously and want to win at all costs. It really is funny to me, imagining these guys sitting on the toilet after a hard day of practice, painfully relieving themselves but remembering what is at stake. Toilet paper is stacked to the ceiling as they push out the remnants of their undoubtedly multiple-hour bathroom brawl, their faces stiff with the eye of the tiger. Truly a hilarious mental image.

 

In all seriousness though, these guys are awesome at what they do. They have the hearts of lions. And probably the poops of them too.

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49 thoughts on “First Place Takes Number Two

  1. Hilarious! I love reading your posts – just the right amount of humor and smooth storytelling. I never thought about all the pooping these food fighters would have to do. Always inspired by your interesting perspective!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Funny! Have you ever seen Wing Bowl in Philadelphia? It’s held every year right before the Super Bowl and it’s equally disgusting. I’m always amazed that these competitive eaters aren’t 400 pounds!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. There are 2 rounds of 14 minutes each and then a final round of 2 minutes. It is revolting, but hey it’s Philly so…. (I’m allowed to say that cuz I’m local! 😜)

        Liked by 1 person

  3. This is awesome, ha ha ha. I had seen people eating food for a given time and compete for the prize. But eating that many hot dogs in 10 minutes, he must be really a gut full man. Can’ t imagine his position now. He he he……A wonderful post. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. No idea how you found my content Sauce Box, but I’m glad it led me to yours. How I’d love to hear this verbally delivered with the pauses and stresses, would’ve been perfect-o. Great read πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  5. If there were intelligent design behind the origin of western civilization, I am almost certain that she/he/they (the designers) failed to foresee this outcome when calculating the trajectory (no pun intended) of their creature. It certainly puts the skids on the theory of (positive) evolution.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. From a medical point of view, what is most likely is that years of overeating have stretched out their stomachs to accommodate the volume of 72 hot dogs. They inhale them in 10 mins and puke them right out. Generally the food you eat stays in your stomach for atleast an hour before it passes into the intestine. Hilarious post as always and God help their throats after they puke so such out. πŸ˜…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I won’t be watching the video any time soon, as the imagery is too revolting for words. However, your take on this had me rolling on the floor in laughter, tears running down my cheeks. Thank you so much!

    Liked by 1 person

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