I once heard from somebody that babies are really kind of just drunk middle-aged men when you think about it. I find this to be extremely accurate. They waddle around with their bellies hanging out, milk (beer) bottles in hand, yelling incomprehensible words at people and chasing the nearest thing with boobs. They have an extremely hard time keeping their balance and will just point at things and mumble, expecting you to understand. They will whip it out and pee without hesitation, and shat in their pants if needed. If they drink too much milk (beer), they throw it up. However, they are experts of the “puke and rally” technique, and soon will be back at their shenanigans as if nothing happened. They will laugh, cry, dance, and fall asleepβ€” all in a thirty minute span. If that doesn’t describe someone who is completely hammered, I don’t know what does.

 

I guess you start your life acting that way and you end it in the same manner.

 

I am no exception to this apparently, as my parents have told me that when I was a baby, I loved to stumble around in my diaper, holding my bottle and dancing around with my milk (beer) belly. They also said that I absolutely loved the movie Toy Story, and I would rarely be seen without my Buzz Lightyear and Woody dolls. (For those of you that don’t know what Toy Story is, let me know in the comment section what planet you’re from.)

At that point in my life, my language skills obviously weren’t fully developed, yet I still loved showing people my Buzz Lightyear and Woody dolls. According to my parents, when I would meet someone, I would say the most drunken old man thing possible.

“Hello, this is my Bud Light, wanna see my Woody?”

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72 thoughts on “Drunk Babies

  1. Yet another, in a long string of comments, that just absolutely must leave a post to tell you that YOU ARE SO FUNNY….strike that, your writing is exceeded only by your wit! Thanks for posting!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. you did not say that! I confess I never really watched Toy Story. Incidentally, it occurred to me today that babies are spontaneously jiggling jelly dumplings, basically. You make a strong argument though.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. That first paragraph is pretty great — convincing, startling, the words of a man who has taken one too many red pills. Very well done!

    Liked by 1 person

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