A while back, I was at the gym. (This place provides a lot of comedy, so if you don’t feel like actually working out, at least go to people watch.) One of the Personal Trainers was working out on the bench press, and judging by the way he was screaming with every repetition, you’d think he was bench pressing a house. If you guys read my Trainer Trickery  post, then you already know how I feel about Personal Trainers.

So, I’m just ignoring the douchebag and continuing my own workout. I’m about to move to another machine, when I see him look around before getting up to walk in my direction. He takes his earphones out as he gets closer.

Please don’t ask me for a spot, please don’t ask me for a spot.

“Hey, you wanna give me a spot?”

My heart sinks when I hear this. I want to say, “No, I do not want to give you a spot. There are actually a million other things I want to do,” but I’m a nice guy, so I oblige. (For those of you who don’t know what a spot is, he basically wants me to stand over him and help get the weight up if he can’t press it himself.)

We walk over to the bench and this guy’s chest is puffed out so far he looks like a backwards “C”. He’s walking like he’s carrying two briefcases, with his elbows at nearly a 90 degree angle. I want to ask him if he’s okay, but I refrain.

As we get to the bench press, I see this guy has a ridiculous amount of weight on the bar. Now, the dude isn’t small, but he’s not big either. I’m willing to bet the house he ain’t lifting this amount of weight. Knowing he will undoubtedly fail, I instantly become glad he asked me for a spot.

He sits down and I have to wait for him to flex a few times, slap his chest, and scream before laying back and gripping the weight. He tells me he will shout out to me if he needs any help, but that it probably won’t be needed. I’m trying to hold back laughter now. With one last yell, he lifts the weight off and begins to lower it. His face looks like it’s about to explode as the barbell touches his chest. I’m waiting for him start pushing it up, when I realize he can’t even get it an inch off his body. If anything, the weight is slowly crushing him, similar to what would happen if you held a stick horizontally and pushed it through a turd. The turd’s eyes are about to pop out of his head and I’m waiting for him to shout for help, but what comes out of his mouth makes me actually snort out loud.

“I got it, I got it, don’t help!”

So, I just shrug, sit back, and enjoy the excrement smashing. The weight still hasn’t moved an inch off his chest after about 10 full seconds, (and what a glorious 10 seconds it was) so I figure it’s time to pull the barbell off of him before he’s actually split in half.

We get the weight back up and he exhales loudly.

I’m just starting to say, “maybe next time, pal,” but he immediately goes,

“Why’d you help me? You came in way too early, bro. You can’t be touching the bar when I’m pit slammed like that.”

I’m astonished now. This dude was actually serious. And did he say pit slammed? What the shit? This guy was wacked. He was a turd that had been sitting in the sun too long. What does pit slammed even mean? I would imagine it as something similar to what had just happened, but instead of helping him lift the weight up, I take my shirt off and rub my armpit all over his face. In hindsight, that’s probably what I should’ve done.

Instead of arguing with this walking dookie, I just put my earphones back in and say,

“You’re just lucky I was wearing deodorant.”

He was pretty confused.


100 thoughts on “Pit Slammed

  1. I used to love the gym for a similar reason but different. For my body weight I’ve always been very strong on bench. Usually double my weight . But at 185 at Gold’s that is light. I would always get the huge steroid grunter 40 lbs heavier ready to do his show of wrist wraps, circling the bench and when just the right chick walked by he’d grunt loud and drop to the bench and pump out 315 ( 3 plates) fur ilke 3 reps. I loved this part. Never failed when it was my turn he would immediately go up to peel some plates off and say what do you want on there. I’d say oh just leave that to start . See how I feel ..yeah leave it on. Then I drop down to the bench without any grunting and he’d look at me like I was crazy and I pump out 6 or 7 reps at 40 pounds less body weight and destroy his ego I did that almost every time I went to the gym it was so much fun

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you for the laugh πŸ˜€ I often see guys at the gym huffing and puffing and then you have the ones that sit for five minutes between each repetition. I just do what I can for my age and proud of being able to lift two 30 lbs. dumbbells. Great post, greatly enjoyed reading it.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Thank you, someone actually put what goes through my head at the gym in words. My boyfriend and I like to play “roids or no roids”. We guess which people are on steroids and who’s just actually that ripped. Most of the time it’s “roids”.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Hahahahahaah OMG XD this is exactly why I DO go to the gym… lol well that and one of my best friends instructs a slew of martial arts, and its REALLY fun to watch him hit them with sticks when they back talk them. Anyway, my friends and I call these trainers ” Potato smashers ( not to be confused with potato mashers who are… ladies of the night). I will have to show my friends this one they will like it toooo πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I ran into a guy like that at my gym last night. He was screaming his head off every couple seconds but wasn’t moving any weight. My mother went over and asked him if he was having a bad day. o.0 She thought he was upset and needed someone to talk to. lol

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This is quite funny. Thankfully, at the gym location i go to, they have rules aimed to keep the grunting/yelling to a minimum. People watching is the best/most entertaining activity to participate in. Thanks for sharing this turd story πŸ€£πŸ’©

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I just checked Urban Dictionary for pit slammed and was disappointed that there was no entry for it. I do find myself inspired to submit my own definition for douche bag: One who makes up terms like pit slammed.

    Great blog

    Liked by 1 person

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