Dental Conversations

On Friday, I have to go to the dentist. Friday is going to suck, because the dentist sucks. The thing is, I actually don’t mind getting my teeth cleaned. What I do mind, is that while my mouth is wide open and being cranked on by the hygienist, I have to engage in small talk. For whatever reason, every hygienist I’ve ever had, has thought it was a good idea to ask about my life story while they have their fingers shoved into my mouth.

Every time I go, it’s the same situation. My mouth is gaped open and filling up with saliva. My eyes are nearly watering from jaw soreness. My teeth are being scraped on and my mind is elsewhere, trying to focus on anything but the excavation site that is my mouth. If there was ever a time when talking was not really an option, it’s now.

Yet, as always,

“So, what school do you go to?”

The hygienist says this without ceasing her assault on my mouth.

Me: Aaaaagghghhg.

Her: Oh okay, my niece goes there! What classes are you taking?

Me: Aghghh, ghhh, hhnnnggg, uhhh, euuhhahhh, ahhh hnnggahh.

Her: What was that?

Me: Aghghh, ghhh, hhnnnggg, uhhh, euuhhahhh, ahhh hnnggahh.

Her as she finally takes her hands out of my mouth: You know, that’s really great. You’re going to learn so much! What are you planning on doing after college?

Me: Well, I have—

She then shoves her hands back into my mouth, listening intently.

Me again: Ahhhggg ghhhdggh hnnnggg.

Her: That’s awesome! Sounds like you are following your dreams! What sports are you interested in?

This silly exchange continues throughout the appointment until she is done with my teeth and I am finally put out of my misery. As she cleans up and we schedule my next appointment, I always want to ask her: So, how does your niece like Aaaaagghghhg University? Or: Do you know any hnnggahh tutors?

But, I hold my tongue. One of these days, I will get the courage to mess with her. Maybe I will do it once I graduate and become a practicing Ghhhdggh hnnnggg.