Now, when I go to use the bathroom at the gym, it is usually a quick, efficient, no-nonsense march to the nearest urinal, keeping my head down and focusing on doing my business. However, I have started to notice a trend in gym bathrooms that is growing increasingly common. No, I’m not talking about the guy who stands in front of the mirror, flexing until his children’s medium tank top appears to be seconds from tearing, then posts the routine in its entirety on Instagram with the caption: “#FitnessBeast”.
I’m talking about naked old men drying their dicks in the hand dryers.
I’m a pretty health conscious guy, borderline germophobic. Naturally, I wash my hands after relieving myself. Especially at the gym. And naturally, I will use the hand dryers to dry my hands.
But I have recently started to find myself waiting behind an elderly man, seemingly oblivious to his surroundings, happily drying his bologna pony and family jewels in the hand dryer.
Now, if you want to stroll around the gym bathroom naked, that’s your decision. Why you don’t choose to do that at home is beyond me, but it’s also none of my business.
Although, if I’m not mistaken, these are “hand dryers’ right? If someone can show me the instructions to one of these devices stating, “Place hands or penis under opening to dry”, then I will stand corrected. Shit, I might even start drying my dick in one of these things, maybe I’m missing out.
But I’m pretty damn sure these little doohickeys are for your hands. Yet, it doesn’t even seem to cross these old dude’s minds that after they finish improperly using the device, people like me have to use their newly patented ball dryers for what they are actually meant for. I have to cup my hands right where this elderly gentlemen’s nards were, almost as if to welcome him to come back and place them in my grasp if he just so happened to miss a spot.
All of this can most likely be explained by the simple fact that old people just don’t give a shit. I mean, we’re probably lucky they don’t just dry their grapes in the wind in public.
But I’ll tell you, I can go my whole life without seeing some old man’s weathered marble sack dangling between his legs like a deflated whoopee cushion, let alone have to wait for him to dry it in the same area I will soon have to place my hands.
The experience doesn’t end when they are done drying, either. No, they always take their time walking away, a look of satisfaction smeared across their face, acting is if they just smacked a walk off homer out of the park. Their face screams, “Don’t you wish you could do this without any consequences? Because I’m old, and I can.” As they continue their victory strut back to their clothes, the other old men look on in admiration, light bulbs going off in their heads as if the man is some type of naked martyr.
The population of these shriveled hijackers is steadily increasing. Maybe these men really just have issues drying their genitals, and using the hand dryers is their final attempt at taking command of their own lives.
Or maybe they just want to watch the world burn.
Either way, I’d prefer not to be a bystander of the festivities any longer, and would encourage gyms to start adding separate areas for penile and testicular dryers in the future. I think the old men would have a ball.